


Who I was looking for

by Selestiles



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Insecurity, Major Character Injury, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Soulmate AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-11
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2020-01-11 08:21:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 31,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18426696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selestiles/pseuds/Selestiles
Summary: Even after you started wearing cuffs, the words are engraved in your mind as well as your wrist. You know you’re not destined for love as soon as you learn how to read. How could you? When the words “Sorry, you’re not who I was looking for” are written in black ink on your skin.





	1. Chapter 1

You’re trying not to let today get to you. You feel heavy and sore all over, like you just ran a marathon. Oh god, and it’s only Tuesday.

You untie the brown leather cuffs from your wrists, leaving them on your desk before stripping from your shirt and pencil skirt, leaving you in only your plain nude underwear set. You step into the bathroom, moving sluggishly and by pure muscle memory, stripping the rest of the way and getting in the shower.

The water’s warm, running soothingly over your skin and loosening your tense muscles. You stare at the cream colored tiles, letting the water run for a minute before washing quickly and stepping out.

You still feel exhausted and miserable, so you change quickly into your comfiest pajamas before curling up on your pull out couch.

You stare unseeing at the dark ceiling, it’s not that late, but it feels like midnight. The busy sounds of the city that never sleeps barely muted from outside the thin walls of your small apartment. It feels like you never sleep either.

-

You wake up with a sigh and a headache, rolling out the couch and dressing slowly with your eyes closed.

Panties, bra, shirt, skirt (damn, you didn’t shave your legs yesterday), dress pants, tuck shirt into pants. Tie the leather cuff to your wrist.

You wash your face and brush your hair, grimacing at your reflection in the mirror before doing your makeup and leaving, purse and jacket in your hand, short heels clicking on the tiled floor.

You don’t bother making the bed, no one’s going to see it but you.

-

Someone slams into you on the subway and you feel your brain jolt inside your skull.

A baby’s crying, screaming and wailing.

You feel like crying too.

-

You arrive at the building, tall and impossible to miss. A big, shiny “A” plastered right at the front. You’ve affectionately dubbed it “The Asshole Tower”.

As soon as you walk through the door a pile of documents is thrust into your arms.

You sigh.

-

The pay is better than your last job, not by much but still. At least you have a job, a steady income, an apartment. You just wish your mother would stop pestering you to get a husband.

It’s bad enough you’re here, filing documents and answering calls and writing emails and bringing creepy old men their “coffee, sweetheart”. You had come here looking for a dream, a fresh start. You’d taken a job as a secretary at an accounting firm before quitting and ending up here.

You knew this would stray you even further from your dream, eat at your soul, but a girl’s gotta eat.

Your couldn’t deal with anything of the romantic sort right now. You knew looking for your soulmate was pointless, they didn’t want you anyway. And you really didn’t feel like dating anyone else when you didn’t actually feel the need to.

Anna said you should download a dating app, so you wouldn’t be lonely and your bed would be warm. But what did she know about failed romance? She had found her soulmate in kindergarten. You tried not to be jealous.

She had squealed in excitement when you told her you were working at the avengers tower, it didn’t matter if you had never even seen them. The tower was big and it’s not like they frequented your side of it. You didn’t tell her that. She already worried about the dark circles under your eyes, you didn’t want to tell your best friend that the dream you had both planned for you was dying a painful death and you didn’t even have the comfort of smoking hot heroes walking by you every day.

-

Someone screams at you for a mistake they made.

That night you fall asleep crying.

-

You’re late and everything’s a blur. Clothes then makeup then door then subway then street then the tower then the elevator.

You’re still fuzzy, like you just woke up. Your calves are burning from walking in a hurry.

You plonk down on your chair and Marina, your cubicle neighbor, winks at you and places a cup of coffee on your desk.

“You’re an angel” you pant, tanking a gulp of the lukewarm beverage, not even flinching at the bitter taste.

“Y/N!” Someone shouts. Your eyes widen and you finish the coffee in three more gulps, jumping up from the chair and hurrying away.

“Take these upstairs to Glenn please? I need to get to a meeting” you glance at your desk and at the tower of files sitting on top of it.

“Sure” you say, mentality rearranging your schedule in your head. If you’re quick you can get back here in five minutes and have lunch at your desk to save time.

You take the folders, learning from past experiences that it’s best to just stay quiet and get it over with instead of arguing and wasting time.

You get to the elevator, humming anxiously on the way up and shooting out the doors as soon as they open. Your heels clack on linoleum as you hurry down the empty hallway. You’re scanning the doors for the one you’re looking for when a heavy hand lands on your shoulder.

You jump, eyebrows raised and eyes wide as you turn around to look at whoever it is. You barely hold in a gasp of surprise when you see who it is. Holy shit, it’s the winter soldier.

“Sorry” he grimaces, looking sheepish “you’re not who I was looking for.”

He waves at you awkwardly before disappearing around the corner.

But you can’t breathe, can’t move as you stand in the middle of the hallway looking forward blankly. Your jaw is slack and your arms loosen with shock. You just met your soulmate.

The world tilts, snapping into place, thunder cracking in your chest.

The files you’re carrying fall to the floor with a splat.


	2. Chapter 2

You hand Glenn the files with shaking hands before leaving his office and leaning on the wall just outside the door. You’re breathing heavily. Holy shit,  _holy shit._

This can’t be true, oh boy, Anna was gonna freak. You wheeze out an hysterical laugh, feeling absolutely insane. You run your fingers through your hair and walk back to the elevator.

What else are you gonna do? He’s already gone. You don’t even know what you’re going to say if you do see him again.

Your whole life the words on your wrist had been a curse, a permanent reminder of what you were. A background character to your own life. At first you’d felt embarrassed and miserable, all the other kids had normal stuff. (Anna had “I think you’re pretty cool”, and that turned into something she and Michael said to each other instead of I love you as they got older, you tried not to feel jealous).

As the years went by you grew defiant, wanting to prove to yourself that you could make it big, and if that wasn’t enough for your soulmate, then fuck them.

Watching yourself fail again and again was starting to eat at your determination though, and lately you’d just been miserable.  _Maybe they’re right._  You thought to yourself every day. Maybe even the one person who was supposed to love you unconditionally would be disappointed by who you had become.

It never even crossed your mind that it could all be a misinterpretation, that the true meaning of the hated words had been lost in translation.

Still, it didn’t matter. It didn’t change the fact that you’re still a failure, he wouldn’t want you even if he knew you. What could a hero possibly want with…you?

It’s cruel, you think, after all he’s been through, and after all the good he’s done to repent for crimes that he didn’t even commit. He doesn’t deserve this.

You fall asleep crying again.

-

You don’t see him for another week. Until you’ve been sent to Greene’s office with files.

“Just a minute!” You hear her call out from the inside, then mumbling, she’s probably on the phone. You sigh and rock back and forth on the balls of your feet, looking around distractedly.

And then he’s there, walking down the hallway with his hands in his pockets. He looks at you as he walks by and nods in acknowledgement.

“Hi” you say, and you hope your smile doesn’t look like a grimace.

-

You don’t realize what you’ve done until you’re back in the elevator. You cover your mouth with your hands, feeling like a complete fool. You had fantasized about what you’d say for a week straight. And now you’ve ruined it.

You sit on your chair heavily, rubbing at your temples. Then you realize.

This is perfect. Saying “Hi” and nothing else was the best way to stay anonymous, and was still a perfectly neutral statement, nothing that could be mistaken for neither love nor hate. It would leave him be. He had probably moved on ages ago. You ignored the sharp, stabbing pain of your heart at the thought.

It’s better like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can say hi on Tumblr @soopranatural


	3. Chapter 3

You wait two more days before calling Anna, you’re nervous. You know she’ll judge you, even if she does it silently, you can still feel it through the phone.

It rings several times before she answers.

“Hullo?” You smile fondly at her playful tone, the TV is on in the background. “What’s up, dork. Get any life-changing promotions? Save the world with a certain group of  _mighty_ heroes?” The way she says it allows you to picture her saucy wink perfectly even if you can’t see her, you chuckle even as your heart clenches. You miss her, and sometimes you wish you hadn’t ever come to goddamn New York.

“Nah, I’m good, what’s up with you?” There’s silence on the other end and you squeeze your eyes shut.

“Don’t give me that shit Y/N, you haven’t called me in ages! Only texting, so I know it’s something big if you’re calling” she knows you too well, damn.

“Anna…” you don’t know how to start.

“Spill the beans, kid”

“Y'know? I’m older than you.” You roll over on the couch and press your face to the pillow you’re hugging. “You’re stalling, asshole” you wish you’d never called, suddenly you don’t want to say a thing, you don’t want to talk about  _him_.

You take a deep breath “I think I met my soulmate” there’s a scream from the other end of the line and then the sound of shuffling as she jumps.

“You think or you know!?” She sounds winded like she just ran laps right there in her living room, you grin at the image of her waddling in circles hurriedly, her very pregnant belly allowing little else.

“I met him, Anna”

“Well tell me all about it you jerk! Don’t keep me waiting!” She heaves out a sigh, and you knew this was coming “do I need to kick his ass?”

“No” you sigh, shifting again to curl around the pillow “It was kind of a misunderstanding, he thought I was someone else and when I turned around he said it.”

Anna hums thoughtfully “I knew that kiddo, no one would be stupid enough to dislike you” she said it softly and you were glad she hadn’t just screamed ‘ha! I told you so!’ She’d always said it was some kind of mistake but by the time you’d told her about your words you were way too deep into a pit of self loathing to see it.

You sigh and run a hand over your face, you’re surprised to find your cheeks are wet.

“Oh sweetheart, I wish I could hug you right now, but I’m way too far away and way too fat” you giggle at that.

“Sometimes I wish you were my soulmate”

“Me too cutie, but I’m stuck with this idiot” Michael squawks indignantly in the background and you laugh loudly through your tears.

You tell her you met him in the office, but not who he is, you chicken out at the last moment. She doesn’t ask you much, clearly trying not to pry even though you can tell she wants to, you’re grateful for that.

When you end the call you don’t feel any better, you missed her, but not saying anything was a mistake. You can’t bring yourself to call her again though.

Coward.

-

You spend the rest of the week with things as usual, filing papers and answering calls like a machine. Your routine isn’t changed until Monday.

Everyone quiets suddenly, but you don’t notice anything, too absorbed in your work. It isn’t until Marina gasps “holy shit” under her breath that you turn around. You freeze too.

He’s imposing, every bit as intimidating as you imagined, even when he’s wearing pink tinted glasses while indoors.

“Mr. Stark” you gasp, heart stopping in your chest. He grins, wide and amused as he tilts his head, considering you.

“Tony will work just fine darling. Do you mind accompanying me upstairs?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can say hi on Tumblr @soopranatural


	4. Chapter 4

“Hey Steve?” The soldier was sitting on the couch, going over some papers. He looked up, his eyes lingering on the documents and his eyebrows raised before giving Bucky his full attention.

Bucky stood awkwardly, taking his hands out of his pockets to clench his fists and then shoving them back in.

“I- have you seen a girl?” He grimaced.

“What does she look like? You know Nat’s been tryin’ to set me up with every woman in the building, I might know her” his smile was kind but Bucky was still embarrassed.

“She’s a girl”

“You’re gonna have to be more specific, pal”

“She’s… pretty”

Steve’s eyebrow rose slowly and teasingly and Bucky regretted every single life decision he had ever made.

“Oh? Have you guys talked?”

Bucky shook his head “I saw her in the hallway, she just said hi”

Steve instantly perked up, abandoning the papers completely and getting a glint in his eyes. “Buck-”

“No Steve” he cut him off, knowing what he was thinking. “Don’t start with the soulmate shit again.”

“Hear me out, will ya? Maybe you were destined to meet her now. We’re meant to spend the rest of our lives with our soulmates, so I’m just saying. Fate owes you that much.”

“Fate doesn’t owe me a damn thing, forget I said anything.” He turned around and walked out the door, jaw clenched. He didn’t want to get his hopes up, he had already spent too long doing that.

He saw Tony in the hallway, who tuned to look at him curiously as he stormed from the room.

The word on his wrist was both a blessing and a curse, it felt like a reminder of his soulmate’s presence. It was there every day when he woke up, sometimes the only thing that kept him going. When he felt anxious of lost, or maybe like the soldier was watching, waiting just behind his eyes to hurt everyone he cared about, he looked down at his wrist and reminded himself that his soulmate was out there. It felt like a message, a reminder, and he was grateful for that.

If fate had done him any favors, he didn’t know about them. But it had sure shown him mercy, he didn’t know what would’ve happened if he had lost his right arm instead of the left. If cold metal had replaced the warmth of his soulmate’s constant greeting.

At the same time he felt cursed. There was no way he could know who his soulmate was from just his tattoo. So he had to count on them to tell him when they met.

Bucky froze when he found himself in the fourth floor hallways again, the air quiet as always. He didn’t really know what he was expecting, but he was still disappointed when he found the hallways empty. He huffed at himself and left.

Even if he did find his soulmate, who would want to be with him after what he had done? Maybe he was destined to be alone. Maybe he was angry about it, but he couldn’t say he didn’t deserve it. Monsters shouldn’t expect to be loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can say hi on Tumblr @soopranatural


	5. Chapter 5

The elevator ride was awkward, well for you at least. Tony seemed to be enjoying himself. There was a residual grin on his face and he was drumming his thumbs on his legs to the rhythm of an inaudible tune.

You were standing stiffly, afraid that if you moved you would trip and look like a complete fool in front of the boss. Your hands were clasped in front of you and you felt a little lightheaded. You had a flashback to when you were a kid waiting for her parents to answer the phone so the principal could explain to them why their child was a menace.

The elevator door opened and you took in a big gulp of air, following Tony when he started walking down the hallway. He opened the door and you peeked into the empty room, there was a desk, shelves, and a small leather couch, but it looked empty, clearly nobody worked there.

“Congrats Y/N, you’ve just been promoted.” Your eyes widened to the size of plates and you whipped your head around to look at Tony, who was still holding the door open with a smile.

“ _What?!_ ”

He ignored you completely “I want you moved into your office by tomorrow, I trust that won’t be any trouble.”

“Wh- how?”

“You’re excellent at your job and you obviously have the appropriate skill set.” He was still smiling and it was starting to unnerve you.

“But, I mean, I just answer phone calls and file papers”

“And you are  _phenomenal_  at it”

You couldn’t believe Tony Stark had just made finger guns at you. It felt exactly like a dream. You were tempted to go look out the window to see if the sky was an unusual colors or if there were any flying pigs.

“Not to sound ungrateful, but you have hundreds of employees, how do you even know that I’m right for the job”

He waved his hand dismissively. “Oh, F.R.I.D.A.Y. and I ran a very thorough background check, didn’t we darling?”

“That’s right sir. I loved your piece for the high school newspaper, miss Y/L/N”

“Holy… _fuck_ ” You jumped about one foot in the air, then immediately covered your mouth, looking at Tony guiltily. His eyes were sparkling though.

“I knew there was more spark to you than babbling and wide Bambi eyes” he shook your hand even though it was hanging limply at your side “There’s a manual on the desk, but I think you’ll get the hang of it fairly quickly.”

Then with one final grin and a wink, he left.

You laughed, squealing quietly into your hands and blinking hard to make sure that you absolutely weren’t dreaming. This was by far  _the_ strangest, most bizarre thing that had ever happened to you in your entire life. But you weren’t about to question it. You were sure there was a saying for this, something about a gift horse.

You did an embarrassing little happy dance before flopping down on your new leather desk chair. The wheels made it glide a few feet before stopping. You grinned, staring at the white ceiling and sighing happily, maybe life was finally taking you somewhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find me on Tumblr @soopranatural


	6. Chapter 6

The next morning you walked up to your old desk slowly, half expecting it to still have all your stuff on it and for yesterday to be some kind of crazy hallucination.

“Morning boss” said Marina with a grin, adjusting her glasses “I hope you haven’t forgotten us peasants.”

You smile at her, dropping one of the cookies you had stress-baked yesterday on her desk. “I will never forget my humble beginnings” you saluted teasingly and left with the sound of her laughter trailing behind you.

Your new office (four walls and a window?! Positively luxurious) was just as you had left it yesterday, and you breathed out a sigh of relief, feeling ridiculous. It still wasn’t ideal, it wasn’t what you had dreamed about since you were a child, but it was a great start, and you were absolutely not complaining at all.

There was a knock on your door and you opened it, gasping at who was behind it.

“Mr. Stark?” The man grimaced, waving a hand in front of his face in a gesture that surely meant something.

“ _Eugh_ , way to make a man feel young darling, we talked about the Tony thing” he peeked into your office “I wanted to see how you were doing on your first day.”

“Oh, um, I read the binder yesterday, but I just arrived.” He shot you a look and then looked at his wristwatch, eyes widening when he saw the time.

“Oh, I guess I thought it was later than it is, well then, I’ll leave you to get started. Good luck.” He handed you a small gift box before giving you a thumbs up and a toothy grin and sauntering out into the hallway.

You untied the bow and took out the small Bluetooth device. You huffed, amused and a little confused as to why the famous millionaire had suddenly taken an interest in you. The first thing you do is turn on the desktop computer, your company email account had been changed, the password is written on a post it note that’s stuck on the computer screen.

The first email is from F.R.I.D.A.Y., giving you instructions on your first assignment and a short tutorial on how to use the Stark software. It’s easy enough, and you’re basically still doing your previous job, only the pay is higher and the documents are slightly more important. Soon you’re filing away, sending email after email, the stack of papers on top of your printer growing at a constant rhythm. You don’t have to answer calls now, but you do have to coordinate meetings with the rest of your new coworkers through the Bluetooth.

You’re working at a surprisingly fast pace, and you know it mostly has to do with your good mood. At noon you finally come out of your office, carrying the newly printed stack of papers with one arm and closing the door with the other.

You gasp softly when you turn around and you see him in the hallway. He hasn’t noticed you yet, but before you can do anything stupid (like dash back into your office like a scared rabbit) he looks up and you lock eyes.

He looks down quickly and turns the other way, not even trying to hide the fact that he’s avoiding you. You don’t know what you did, but your heart sinks anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi on Tumblr @soopranatural


	7. Chapter 7

When you tell Anna you got a promotion she freaks out, congratulating you and showing her support via several consecutive exclamation marks.

It’s going fairly well, like Tony said, you haven’t had any trouble adjusting to your new job. You still talk to Marina on the second floor, and sometimes you bring her coffee or pastries. She always has honey flavored hard candy from the jar on her desk for you. You’re not  _friends_ , exactly, but she’s nice and you talk sometimes. Your favorite coworker, you could say.

You think it’s strange, how you’d been working here for months and you hadn’t seen Bucky even once until that fateful day when you discovered he was your soulmate. But now you seemed to encounter him everywhere. You’d seen more of him in the last week than you had in the six months since you started working at the tower.

Sometimes he would be roaming the hallways when you came in the morning, hurriedly going from one place to another on your lunch break, leaving the tower at the same time as you in the afternoon.You see him  _everywhere_ suddenly.

He hasn’t said a word, but sometimes you wave at him and he smiles back. A small, private smile that sends your heart lurching in your chest.

Today is different, you’re taking some copies down to the first floor when you see him come down the hallway, he’s heading towards the elevator and he looks hurried, so you hold the doors open for him. Bucky comes in quickly, panting and smiling his thanks. He shoves his hands into his pockets as usual and you shift in place, picking at your leather cuff.

You know you shouldn’t speak to him, that it’s better if he doesn’t know you, but god you want to say something, the air inside the elevator is dense and uncomfortable and the pressure on your chest is rising by the second. It shouldn’t be like this, it’s not supposed to be like this with your  _soulmate_  of all people.

“Hello” he says, then grimaces. You turn your head quickly to look at him and smile. It’s been a few seconds since he got in, and a little late to say hi, but you wave at him anyway.

“I’ve seen you more often” he continues, rocking slightly and looking anywhere but at you.

“Yeah” you say proudly “I’ve been promoted.”

“Oh?” He finally looks at you, his smile is warmer and you can physically feel your expression melting into one of adoration without your consent. The elevator doors open with a ding and you stand up straight.

Bucky jumps, startled, like he hadn’t expecting that to happen, he suddenly looks lost. He stutters for a moment, eyes flitting in all directions before he pats you on the back distractedly. “Congrats” he says, just before he practically flies out the elevator and leaves the building, disappearing from your sight.

Your back feels warm where he touched you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi on Tumblr @soopranatural


	8. Chapter 8

What an idiot. What a fucking moron.  _Honestly_. What did he think would happen?

Despite his reaction when Steve had mentioned the soulmate thing, he kept hinting that Bucky should just talk to the girl. He was  _relentless_. And Bucky would never admit it, but he was scared. He had spent so much time being someone else that he felt weird in his own skin. Steve said he even walked different, and Bucky felt an anger like no other when he realized that it was because his left side was now heavier than his right. They ruined him. HYDRA ruined him, and now he was no one.

He wasn’t the winter soldier, but he wasn’t  _him_ anymore either. It was embarrassing that he couldn’t even remember the first thing about talking to a girl, no matter how much he wanted to.

He didn’t even know her name, but he had felt drawn to her since the beginning. So he had followed her, he felt creepy every time they crossed paths in the halls, knowing that it only looked accidental but really wasn’t.

His intention wasn’t really to follow her, he wanted to talk to her, but he lost his nerve every single time. Sometimes she smiled at him and waved, and he always had a half moment of bravery, but then they had crossed paths and it was too late.

Today was different, he was going to say something, he was  _determined_  to. He made his way to where he knew her office was at a steady pace and then almost stopped when he saw she was in the elevator. But she saw him, lifted her head and looked right at him and  _stopped the door_.

There was a wave of panic, he didn’t know if he should turn away and run or get in the elevator, he didn’t even know where she was going. What if he ended up at the last floor and the doors opened to be faced head on by Steve’s mocking expression.

He got in anyway.

She was looking down at the small pile of documents in her hands, and he fidgeted, the elevator would open soon and he was in there with her and he should just  _talk_.

“Hello” oh god, he’d really lost all his charm hadn’t he? He wanted to say something but not _that_ , they’d been standing in the elevator for too long for a greeting and he had barely even opened his mouth and already he was ruining it. But then she smiled and waved like she always did, so he spoke again.

He already knew she got promoted, Steve made sure he did, but he asks about it anyway. He’s glad he did when she perks up, smiling proudly in a way that’s absolutely  _adorable_  and makes it hard on Bucky’s lungs. He wants to hug her, but he doesn’t know why. He doesn’t really know her, just her schedule, but he finds her… nice, comforting. Her presence doesn’t feel like one of a stranger, it feels like he’s known her for a long time.

He has a flash of doubt that maybe he _did_  know her, just doesn’t remember. He barely remembers anything nowadays. But he immediately discards the thought. He couldn’t possibly know her. She was too young and didn’t seem to know him.

The doors open with a sharp sound and Bucky jumps, his eyes scan the room and he realizes he’s on the first floor. Oh.

He congratulates her hurriedly, patting her on the back before he’s even aware he’s doing it, completely forgetting to ask her name, again, and leaves as fast as he can without running.

He majes a face, embarrassed about the whole thing and, with nothing else to do that won’t make him look like a creep he leaves the tower. Like he’s planned it the whole time.

Once he’s outside he stops. He’s out now anyway, so he might as well go buy some coffee or something.

He’s just arriving at the shop when he realizes he didn’t bring any money.

_Shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find me on Tumblr @soopranatural


	9. Chapter 9

Your interactions with Bucky got more frequent after that. Sometimes you would chat about stuff like the weather and traffic when you two crossed paths. But there was a day in which he was walking down the hallway with a stormy expression and a book clutched firmly in his grasp.

“What’s it about?” You called out to him as he brushed past you. He turned around abruptly and then looked down at the book. He turned it so you could look at the cover and smiled when you recognized it.

“Fahrenheit, a classic” you smiled, clutching your binder to your chest.

He looked at the cover again “So I’m told. It’s been on my reading list for some time, but it’s too noisy upstairs and it won’t let me focus.”

“Oh” you said shifting in place. This was a bad,  _bad_ idea “you can come by my office if you want, I have a couch there, and as long as you aren’t bothered by the sound of typing…” you couldn’t read his expression and you trailed off. His eyebrows were climbing up dangerously close to his hairline. “I mean, if you want to.”

“Oh um, sure, I’d like that” he shrugged and looked down, then followed you when you walked to your office. You thought it was strange, how you knew he was walking behind you and yet you couldn’t hear a thing. Sometimes you forgot who he was exactly, a trained soldier and assassin. He could kill you in a heartbeat. And yet.

Bucky Barnes was made of contradictions, you had found. He was shy and sweet and yet his face seemed to be set on a permanent scowl. He filled every space he occupied, even though he tried to make himself smaller. He was a good heart with a terrible past. He had an incredibly bright soul for someone who had been subjected to so much pain.

Sometimes it dawned on you that he was your soulmate. Holy shit, you couldn’t give him what he needed, what he deserved. But by  _god_ , did you want to.

You worked as fast as you could, finishing early so you could go home and relax. Bucky was already almost halfway through the book, time had passed quickly as you clacked furiously at your keyboard and answered calls, it was a silence you were used to, occasionally interrupted by your distracted humming when you forgot yourself.

Bucky huffed, put down his book and looked right at you. He was sprawled on the small, two seat leather couch with his feet up. He looked comically big for it, but still he looked comfortable so you didn’t say anything.

“I think I need some time to digest that” he spoke, his voice a smooth rumble in the otherwise silent room.

You hummed, smiling in understanding as you closed the tabs you had open. “Well” today seemed to be a good day for bad decisions “I have to go now, but you can come in whenever you want, if you need somewhere quiet to read.”

The look he gave you made you shift in place. It was as if he was solving a puzzle, and you felt bare before his gaze. You were good at hiding how you felt, but you weren’t  _trained_  to do it like you’re sure a lot of people he knows were.

He straightened and shot you that soft smile you were growing to love more and more. Then nodded, shot a quick “Thanks, doll” over his shoulder and walked out the door. He left his book on the couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @soopranatural


	10. Chapter 10

Bucky came in the very next day, but he didn’t start reading immediately, he said hello, went out the door, then came back in an flopped on the couch. The leather squeaked under his weight and he grimaced.

You were watching him closely, looking up from the computer, wondering what he was up to. He turned to look at you and you adverted your eyes, going back to typing.

“Um, sorry doll, where’s my book?”

“Oh!” You jumped, feeling hot with embarrassment “I left it on the shelf, sorry” you laughed nervously.

He nodded, getting up and retrieving the book before sitting back down and opening it to continue reading.

You stayed like that for awhile. For some reason, yesterday’s calm silence was gone, and instead there was a lingering tension in the room that was making you break out in a cold sweat. You were sure he wouldn’t come back now, find someplace else to read and go back to completely ignoring you.

What happened to the girl who wanted exactly that to happen?

Just then the door opened and Bucky jumped about three feet in the air. You startle too, the tension snapping horribly and making you accidentally smash your hand into the keyboard.

“Well, well, I thought you were better than this Y/L/N” Tony says, peeking into the room. He tries for a disappointed tone, but he has a mischievous grin on his face. “I’m honestly a little offended that I wasn’t invited to this little get together”

Shit. You’re getting fired.

You can feel all the blood leave your face and you open your mouth but nothing comes out. Your hands are shaking and you curse the moment you decided to let Bucky into your office like you were old friends.

“I-I-I’m so sorry, I’ll-I mean, it wasn’t, he wasn’t” they’re both avengers, for god sakes, what the hell were they both doing here in your office? It was bizarre.

“Woah, don’t worry about it kid, I just came to borrow terminator for a moment.” He eyed your suspicions expression and huffed “It’s fine dear, I promise.”

All the air in your lungs leaves you as you breathe out in relief. You glance at Bucky as he gets up to leave, but he’s glowering at Tony and firmly not looking at you. You squeeze your eyes shut and lean back on your chair, now he’s not coming back for sure.

You sigh, realizing that avoiding the truth was harder than you thought. Today was proof of that, you couldn’t believe you had been in the same room as your soulmate more than once, were on speaking terms with two avengers, and still so uncomfortable with the idea of telling him who you were.

You had spent so long believing that your soulmate wouldn’t want you at all that now that you knew it had been a misunderstanding you couldn’t convince yourself that maybe he would. Your first instinct was to quit immediately and run away somewhere he could never find you, where he couldn’t see how much of a failure you were.

But that was unfair, what if he wanted a soulmate? It wasn’t your place to decide that for him. And if he did want you, then you’d just have to deal.

You cringed, coming to a decision, you’d have to tell him who you were.


	11. Chapter 11

He found it strange, how he didn’t really know this woman and yet he found her presence comforting, she was like a sedative for the loudness of his mind.

He did _not_ have a crush, contrary to what Steve believed, he just liked her company. Sure she was beautiful, and he wouldn’t be opposed to getting to know her better, but that didn’t mean he had a crush.

Bucky was surprised when she invited him to read in her office, and maybe it was only that surprise that made him say yes. He was glad he had though, it was considerably more quiet in there than in the common room upstairs, less gloomy than his room as well. He wasn’t really bothered by the sound of the clicking keyboard, it was almost like the rhythmic pitter patter of rain. Sometimes she spoke quietly into her earpiece, like she was trying not to bother him, and the hum of her voice made him relax a little more.

He left his book on the couch so he wouldn’t lose his nerve to come back.

But something was different the second time. He felt like an intruder the second he stepped foot into her office, and he checked his exits automatically.

The door, a window. If he jumped he would land on the balcony a floor below and probably wouldn’t break any bones.

Bucky’s eyes scanned the lines in the book again and again, but he didn’t actually read anything, the worn pages of Sam’s book crinkled under his fingers as he thumbed at the pages, not turning them but not closing the book either. He wondered if the heavy tension in the atmosphere meant that she didn’t really want him there. Her stiff posture made him wonder if her offer had been an empty one.

His muscles hurt from sitting down so tensely, but he didn’t want to move in case the leather couch creaked under his weight and disturbed the uncomfortable silence.

Just then the door opened, snapping the tension suddenly and horribly, Bucky’s first thought was that they were being attacked, and he jumped, slamming the book shut to stand up and then immediately aborting mission as he realized it was just Tony. He hears the startled smash of the keyboard behind him.

Tony’s eyes widen before his expression dissolves into a mischievous smirk, there’s a whisper of disappointment when he speaks, but Bucky knows it’s fake “Well, well, I thought you were better than this Y/L/N” He tilts his head at you and Bucky finally glances back at you, your eyes are wide as saucers and your face is pale, you gape at Tony as you search for something to say and Bucky feels sorry for you “I’m honestly a little offended that I wasn’t invited to this little get together.”

“I-I-I’m so sorry, I’ll-I mean, it wasn’t, he wasn’t” and that was quite enough. He glares at Tony until he says what he’s really here for, feeling annoyed that he interrupted and even more annoyed that he’d made you panic so bad over some insignificant thing. He knew for sure that he wasn’t invited back in your office now, but he ignores the disappointed pang in his chest in favor of stepping out of the room. He doesn’t look back at you as he closes the door behind him.

“What do you want, Tony?” He asks, already in a bad mood from the interruption and out of patience as he follows him out the door to stand in the hallway.

“Woah, take it easy would you? Cap wants to have a meeting and you forgot your cellphone so everyone’s looking for you” he looks proud as always in his gray suit and pink tie, typing away at his phone as he talks.

“How did you know I was here?” Bucky asks, it’s not like he had told anyone where he was going, and even with the cameras in the building it would be hard to guess he was in a fourth floor office. Tony looks up at that, eyebrows raised and eyes flitting back and forth in fake puzzlement.

“Well where else would you be?” He says, finally finishing what he was writing and pocketing his phone, ignoring the other man’s surprised look and walking to the elevator with Bucky trailing behind him.

“It’s clear you’ve got a crush on the girl, and honestly who can blame you? Now that she’s been promoted and has her own office it’s obvious you guys would be hanging out more” Bucky’s annoyed at this, he’s tired of other people meddling in his personal life. But something about what Stark said is unsettling, he can only pinpoint what it is until they’re almost at the top floor.

“Wait, how did you know she got promoted?” Tony Stark payed attention to his employees and treated them like anyone else in his life, but there was no way he could know about or even remember every one of them.

Tony considers him for a moment before answering “I heard you talking about her with Cap and my interest was piqued. Turns out she could’ve really used a promotion at the time and she’s a very hardworking employee. So I gave her a promotion.”

Bucky can’t believe it, his mind goes blank as he considers what he’s been told. If Stark had taken an interest in her he surely knew about his failed efforts to talk to her. Maybe he was overthinking it, but Tony was much smarter than anyone gave him credit for. Was it really a coincidence that she now worked in the only floor he had known to look for her? He didn’t know what to think about that, or how to feel about Stark’s meddling. But he finally settled on anger, it was none of his business, and if he had promoted her just for Bucky’s benefit then it was unfair to her as well.

“What the hell?” He growls, cornering Tony against the wall as soon as they’re in the hallway. “What are you trying to do Stark? What were you thinking, did you give her a promotion just so you could have a laugh?”

“Don’t flatter yourself tin man, I didn’t do it for _you_. There was a job opening and she was a good candidate to take that spot.” Tony steps forward and adjusts his collar, smoothing down his jacket and looking Bucky up and down before continuing to walk to the conference room.

Bucky sighs and follows behind him. If Stark knew then there was no way the rest of the team didn’t know as well. He rubs the bridge of his nose in exasperation.  _Goddammit_.


	12. Chapter 12

Bucky hadn’t come back after he left with Tony, you tried not to feel disappointed about it. Surely he had important Avengers issues to attend to and didn’t have time to come back at all. It probably had nothing to do with you, and even if it did it shouldn’t be such a surprise.

You’re trying not to fall asleep on the subway, the lights inside the car buzz with electricity and the hum of the wheels gliding rapidly on the rails is making you drowsy with the familiarity of the sound. You can barely keep your eyes open, but despite the fact that the only other people in the car with you are an old lady with a dog and a dark skinned man fast asleep on his seat with his neck bent at what is surely an uncomfortable angle you still don’t let your guard down. You don’t want to miss your stop and you’ve heard all kinds of crazy stories about the dangers of riding the New York subway on your own at night.

You shift in your seat, sighing to  hopefully clear your head and chase away the urge to sleep while clutching your bag closer to your chest. It’s all in vain though, a few seconds later your head is lolling to the side while your eyes droop closed without your consent.

You jump a foot in the air when what feels like only a blink later you wake up, it was surely longer since there’s now another passenger in the car (a read headed man with glasses and a truly impressive beard). You scan your surroundings, trying not to look as panicked as you feel as your head swivels around, you relax when you see you’ve only slept for a minute or two, and you haven’t missed your stop. You discover what woke you when your phone rings again, and you scramble to fetch it out of your bag, fumbling with it before answering without looking at who’s calling.

“Hello?” Your voice sounds drowsy still.

“Y/N, darling! Is this a bad time?” You sigh, smiling and rubbing your forehead when you realize who’s calling. “Hi Anna”

You hear the smirk in her voice when she speaks. “You sound tired kiddo, did you have a long day of avenging?”

“I’m not-!” you blurt out. Beard guy turns your way and you lower your voice to a whisper “I’m not an avenger, I’m a glorified secretary.”

“And the world would be lost without you” you roll your eyes “so, my due date’s soon. Are you gonna be here to witness the miracle auntie Y/N? Or is the schedule too tight? Constantly saving the citizens of good ole planet Earth must keep you busy.”

You snort quietly into the phone and Anna giggles. “You’re impossible. And of course I’ll be there. Who’s gonna catch Mikey when the wimp passes out?” This time she laughs loudly.

Her tone changes when she speaks next, you know she’s trying to be cautious but is dying to know “…I was hoping you’d bring your new beau with you, so I could meet him.” You sigh.

“Anna that’s not-” “ _Oh come on!_ ”

“I can’t take him yet” your stop is announced and you pick up your stuff, holding your phone to your ear with your shoulder while you get off the subway. “It’s… complicated.” You grimace as you say it, knowing full well how cliché it sounds.

“Eugh! Is that code for me needing to kick his ass?” You shake your head fondly, knowing she can’t see you. “Is that the mommy instincts kicking in Anna?”

“Kid, you know the mommy instincts kicked in the second I met you, you big mess.” You laugh softly into the phone, wishing you were back with your best friend so she could just read your expression and know what’s wrong without you having to say it out loud. You take a deep breath and say it anyway.

“I haven’t told him yet” you mumble. You hear nothing for a moment and check to see if she didn’t hang up only for her to yell as soon as you put the phone to your ear again.

“Are you an  _idiot_?!”

“I don’t know!” You blurt, then check to see if anyone heard you, the street is empty.

“Goddammit Y/N, you know this kind of stress isn’t good for the baby! You stress me out you know that?!”

“I’m sorry!” You cry “I spent so long getting used to the idea that I was meant to be alone for life and then he was there but I don’t know why I’m so scared to tell him now-”

“Oh sweetheart…”

“-and then I was going to tell him today but I was a coward and I didn’t, and then he was busy and I can’t just go looking for him, I don’t know how to tell him, or if I even want to. I know it’s unfair to him but goddammit. I’m scared Anna, I didn’t plan for any of this.”

Your voice fades out at the end, the knot in your throat constricting your words, you try to calm down while you unlock the door to your apartment.

“I don’t know what to say. He’s your soulmate, so I know he’ll love you regardless. But you gotta give it a chance.” Her voice has gone all soft and honey-like. “Promise me you’ll tell him.”

You sigh, leaning against the closed door and shutting your eyes tight. “I’ll try again tomorrow.”

“Atta girl.” She hangs up.

You don’t think about how that may have been an empty promise. You step out of your heels and throw them across the room, the soles of your feet are stinging, your eyes are as well.


	13. Chapter 13

The next day you’re a bit of a mess. You woke up late and had to rush your way through your morning routine, applying makeup while jumping into your heels and nearly braining yourself on your desk more than once. You sprint all the way to the subway, then to the tower when you get off, your coat flying behind you.

You look forlornly at your watch when you walk into the building, realizing that you won’t have time to eat any breakfast. Not even a bagel from the coffee shop near the building.

You hum anxiously, fumbling with your earpiece as you walk into the elevator, you’re going to have to head to the tenth floor to pick up some files before you go to your office. Once in the elevator, you take a deep breath to calm your racing heart, leaning on the metal bar and looking at your own reflection on the mirrored walls. You have a few stray hairs, and you smooth them down the best you can before taking out your phone and checking your to do list, you’ll have to work quickly today if you don’t want to get behind.

The elevator stops on the second floor with a ding, but you don’t look up, you just huff and continue to type rapidly on your phone.

“Hey” a voice near you says. Your now calm heart stutters and starts beating quickly again when you jump, head snapping to look at Bucky, who is now standing next to you.

“Hi” you squeak, putting down your phone and trying to yank your brain back into the present. You’re surprised to see him, you really thought he’d completely disappear from your life after yesterday. You clear your throat and look down at the cuff on your wrist when you realize that you’re staring at him with wide eyes.  _Get a grip._

“You alright doll? You look a bit stressed” his voice is amused but still soft as he watches you fidget, you’re practically vibrating, so you can see how he would come to that conclusion.

You huff, a little more relaxed now that you’re actually talking to him. “Yeah, I had a little bit of a late start, barely made it here on time, didn’t even have the time for breakfast” you shrug. “It’s alright though, I’ll get back on track.”

“I’m sure you will” he smiles kindly. “Where are you headed?”

You look at him again, pulling at the strings on your cuff distractedly. Is he really keeping the conversation going? You were kind of expecting silence from him like usual. He looks a little different, more relaxed, maybe expectant? You can’t really tell.

“I have to pick up some papers from the tenth floor” you pull scratch at the edge of the cuff and Bucky’s eyes are drawn there, you let go off the cuff when you notice him looking. “Then run back to my office.” Your mouth twists to the side and he huffs in amusement.

“Sounds fun” you nod sarcastically, raising your eyebrows and tightening your lips into a thin line. He laughs again and you smile at him, your heart struggling to keep up with the feeling you get when he smiles like that.

The elevator dings and you jump. “Well, um, this is me.” You smile at him and wave as you get out.

“See you later then” he calls before the door closes.

-

You’re in your office. Spinning absently in your chair as you talk into your device, scribbling notes on your notepad.

“Yeah, but that was yesterday.” You hum as your colleague tries to coordinate his meeting schedule with yours “Mhm. Yes, I know it was scheduled for tomorrow, but Greene was unavailable so they moved it to today. The one with the PR board is on…” you turn around and skim through your calendar, looking at your notes.

You hear a knock on your door and look up as it opens. Your jaw drops when you see Bucky peeking in sheepishly.  _‘Can I come in?’_  He mouths, he’s carrying a small paper bag and a cup of what looks like coffee. You nod, still dazed.

“Y/N?” You hear through the earpiece. You jump back into action.

“Oh yeah, sorry. Um, the meeting’s on Monday, at 8:30. But you should tell Martin it’s at eight, she’s always late.”

There’s a pause on the other side.

“I think that’s all, thanks.”

You smile. “No problem, if you need something else just holler.” You end the call and sigh, looking up to see Bucky sitting on your couch and looking at you with a soft smile on his face.

“Hi” you say, still a little shocked he’s here. He seems to come back to himself, looking down and clearing his throat. He fidgets with the bag for a moment and then gets up to place it on your desk along with the cup of coffee. You look up at him, puzzled.

“I brought you something” he murmurs. Your mouth parts in surprise. “You said you didn’t have any breakfast so I brought you something” you look up at him ad you open the bag slowly, he scratches the back of his neck.

You look into the bag and find a blueberry muffin and a wrapped sandwich from the coffee shop near the building.

“I hope that’s okay” he says. “I didn’t really know what to get you”

“Wow, Bucky that’s… thank you. You’re a life saver” you allow yourself to grin like you want to, your heart beating fast like it does when he’s around. He smiles when you do and goes back to sit on the couch. Your heart expands about two sizes when you see him pull out his book and settle in to read.

-

You’ve been working for about half an hour when you stop, blinking your eyes and stretching your tired back. As comfortable as your chair is, you still get tired from sitting on it all day. You look up and you’re surprised to see Bucky’s looking at you intently. You’re about to ask what’s wrong when he speaks.

“What’s that?” He gestures to you and then his own wrist. You look down at your cuff.

“Huh?”

“I mean, it’s pretty cool. But I haven’t seen anyone wear something like that, especially at work. Um, not that it looks unprofessional, or anything…”

He grimaces and you smile. “It’s alright.” You look down. “I use it to cover my soulmark.”

“Oh!” He looks startled at your answer. “Why?”

“Um, some people wear them because they get bad words. Or because it’s something embarrassing.”

His lips quirk into a smirk and your breath stutters out.

“Are you the former or the latter?” You hum, thinking carefully about your answer, your heart’s beating rapidly in your chest. You know you’ll have to tell him he’s your soulmate at some point, but you don’t want to do that now. And you don’t want to tell him about how much pain your soulmark had caused you only to regret it later. You didn’t want him to feel guilty, it wasn’t really his fault.

“It was messing with me a little” you smile sadly at your covered wrist. “So I covered it.”


	14. Chapter 14

“So, that’s it for the changes?” You speak into the earpiece, typing rapidly on tomorrow’s meeting schedule format.

“Pretty much, you can send an email to all the attendees, but O'Connor is rarely in his office, so he’ll have to get his schedule in person.”

You hum. “I’ll email it to his secretary then, thanks for the heads up.” You make to open your email but Brady hisses into his own earpiece.

“Sorry Y/N, but his secretary left earlier today. Something about a family emergency. I think you’ll have to give him the schedule yourself.” You throw your head back to rest on the back of your chair, groaning internally.

“Oh no” You say. Brady hums in sympathy. “Do you have any idea where he might be?” You really don’t feel like searching the whole tower.

“I think he was supposed to be there for a landing today? It’s in a few minutes though, so you’ll have to go now if you want to catch him.”

“‘K thanks, I’ll get going now” You end the call and huff as you print a schedule and get up to grab your stuff. You really don’t want to go looking for O'Connor on the other side of the tower. But it seems like you’ll need to do it anyway.

-

You walk quickly among tall grey boxes, crates and jeeps, scanning the area looking for O'Connor. You pass a bunch of security guards and a few men in suits before you find him. He’s speaking to someone on the phone, so you wait a moment and try to catch your breath before talking to him.

“Yes?” He says, looking at you right after he hangs up. There’s movement on the other side of the large room as people wearing bright orange jackets try and guide a jet into a smooth landing, you suppose that’s the landing Brady was talking about. You have to raise your voice slightly to be heard over the sound of the jet’s engine.

“The schedule for tomorrow’s meeting has changed, I brought you the new one sir” you hand him the folder with the printed schedule and he skims over it quickly before closing the folder and nodding.

“Is that everything?” You nod “Thank you then” You smile politely at each other before he tucks the folder under his arm and moves to where the jet is landing. You huff, taking a second before you have to make your way all the way over to your office.

You’re about to turn around when you see him. He’s wearing jeans and a dark grey sweatshirt, and looks far too casual compared to everyone else there. You freeze in place, clutching your bag tight to your chest as you consider wether to go say hi or run for your life like an awkward high school girl with a crush.

You take a breath and hold it, preparing yourself to walk up to Bucky and say something when you see a flash of red out of the corner of your eye. You turn to look and there she is, coming out of the jet that just landed is The Black Widow herself, advancing toward your soulmate in all her read-headed, fear-inducing glory.

She’s spectacular, much more beautiful than you expected, even when she’s just returned from a mission and is probably hurt and tired. She moves like a leopard, a stalking sway to her step like she’s approaching prey. You don’t realize your mouth is parted until you have to close it.

“Nat” Bucky breathes, a small relieved smile on his face. His shoulders sag and his posture loosens like he’s finally allowed to _breathe_  right before he rushes to embrace her. He doesn’t even see you standing a few feet away.

And  _oh, of course_.

You would’ve never imagined how much this would hurt. It’s just a hug, they’re just friends. You know this.

And yet.

And yet your chest tightens with jealousy, a thick pain that hurts like acid slowly spreading inside your ribs. Because how could you forget? How could you forget who you were? Who he was? What you were to each other?

The air has been sucked right out of your lungs. The man you have gotten to know. The soft, broken man that comes into your office searching for a quiet place to read, who brings you food when you haven’t had any breakfast, who smiles softly like he’s embarrassed of his own happiness. He’s an Avenger, a trained assassin, a soldier, a hero.

You’re nothing but a failure. Sweet, naive Y/N: just some other girl who though she could achieve an impossible dream.

You’re not jealous of Natasha. Your jealous of the fact that they  _fit_. That they can find comfort and understanding in each others arms, that they share experience and pain and history. The truth is Bucky could have anyone he wanted, and he would sure as hell deserve them.

What were you thinking? A glorified secretary and a world class hero. You let out a quiet laugh that tastes like tears. You can never give him that. You can never be what he deserves.

You tug at the strings of your leather cuff, cursing the words underneath. Then you walk away.


	15. Chapter 15

By Friday you’re exhausted, you’re barely sleeping and you can actually feel yourself slipping back to a depressive state, just like when you’d just arrived.

The truth is you can’t stop thinking about Bucky. He invades your every thought, making the simplest of tasks monumentally more difficult because you need to keep jerking your brain back into focus.

Bucky himself has seemed to pick up on your mood, although wether he reads it as something that’s directed at him or not is uncertain. You feel a bit guilty, it’s not his fault he’s your soulmate (another cruel twist of fate for Bucky Barnes, poor thing), but still you’re unable to pretend everything’s alright.

He hasn’t visited since last time, and your office seems lonely now. You know that’s ridiculous and you know that you’re moping. You don’t care.

-

As soon as you arrive at the tower on Friday you want to go home. Your eyes and head hurt from lack of sleep. Thankfully you’d had time to go and get coffee before arriving, or you’d probably be crying without reason right about now.

You clack at your keyboard monotonously, typing emails and filling documents like a machine. By the time half the day has passed, the work pile for today has diminished drastically. You can’t help but feel a bit proud, and you lean back on your chair to stretch, blinking your tired eyes harshly.

The only things left to do today involve leaving your office, and maybe after that you can even do some extra work to get ahead of schedule.

-

On the second floor Marina stops you with a hand on your arm. “Hey, Y/N” you turn to her with a smile “haven’t seen you around for a while” you grimace.

“Yeah, sorry about that, it’s been really busy” she nods solemnly, sighing like she knows what you mean. She adjusts her glasses and reaches into the glass jar on her desk to grab a piece of candy, pressing it to your palm.

“I was just wondering” she clears her throat “I don’t mean to meddle in your life, but I don’t know, you seem a little down lately. I’ll probably finish this at five, and then I can get out of here.” She gestures to her computer, adjusting her glasses again. “If you want we can go and grab something from the coffee shop” you blink, surprised. Marina smiles kindly. “You have friends here, Y/N.”

“Oh” you don’t know what to say, and you notice with a sense of dread that you feel a little like crying. You clear your throat twice before talking. “Sure, I’ll meet you here at five.”

She smiles approvingly and nods firmly before turning back to her work, adjusting her glasses a third time with finality. She pretends not to notice the way your eyes have gone a little misty.

-

You finish early like you thought you would, and by four thirty you’ve also finished a small pile of tomorrow’s work. You look at the clock and yawn, then get up and leisurely put together your stuff.

You sit on your couch, your bag and coat resting beside you as you listen to music on your phone to try and wind down, waiting until you can go and meet Marina on the second Floor.

When the clock hits five you get up and leave your office. Marina’s already waiting for you when you arrive, and you smile at each other before leaving.

You walk in silence until you get to the coffee shop, but it’s a comfortable silence. When you arrive and open the door the smell of coffee and sugar hits you head on. Marina hums, her eyes fluttering closed for a second before she pulls you to a booth near the back.

They’re a few others from the tower in here, but you’re not surprised, the coffee’s good and it’s close to work. It’ll probably get a little more crowded later but for now you can sit and talk comfortably.

“You sit here, I’ll go and get the coffee.” Marina pats the table and after telling her what you want she gets up to order.

“So” she starts, once you’re both sipping the hot coffee from your mugs. “What’s on your mind?”

You don’t know what makes you say it. Maybe it’s that you miss having someone to talk to, or maybe it’s how tired you are, maybe it’s just been a long day.

“Um” you hum, thinking it over for the hundred time, do you really want to tell her this? She’s been nothing but nice to you since you started working at the tower, and perhaps you do need friends in New York. You look down at where your hands are resting on the table, the strings on your cuff are tangled, so you pick on them.

Marina follows your gaze to the cuff, but she doesn’t say anything. Instead she just waits patiently for you to gather enough courage to speak.

“I met my soulmate” you blurt, sighing and making a face after you do.

Marina looks surprised, her eyebrows raise and her mouth parts. “Why do you say it like it’s a bad thing?” She’s not making fun of you, or scoffing at your ridiculousness like you feared she would. Instead she sounds gentle, cautious as she encourages you to speak.

You huff, making a split second decision as you untie the leather cuff and take it off, placing your arm on the table for her to read. It’s the first time you’ve had your cuff off in public since you were nine. She looks startled, her eyes flitting back and forth between your arm and your eyes, making sure. You nod.

She reads the words, letting out a low whistle when she’s done and leaning back on her seat. “Okay then. I see how it could be a bad thing.” You tilt your head sarcastically, huffing while you fasten the cuff back over your wrist. “What did you say back?”

“Nothing, he mistook me for someone else in the hallway and then walked away before I could say anything. I saw him later though, and only said hi”

“Oh wow” she says.

“Yeah” you answer. You kind of want to tell her who your soulmate is, but you know Anna would probably feel it and then come and murder you immediately, pregnant belly and all.

“I do talk to him sometimes, but I guess years of built up insecurities are getting in the way. He doesn’t even know he’s my soulmate yet.” You sigh, biting your lip to hopefully hide your expression “I really thought I’d be more successful by the time I met him, to rub it in his face y'know?” You fiddle with the strings, tying and untying a knot “But now that I’ve actually met him I just feel like… I don’t know. Like the universe made a mistake.” You look at Marina, who has a soft look on her face, it’s not pity, and you exhale in relief. “I don’t think I deserve him. Not like this at least” you wave your hands in front of you, gesturing at yourself.

“You’re wrong” she says “I understand where you’re coming from, but you’re wrong.” You blink owlishly at her, and she giggles softly “He’s your soulmate Y/N, I bet he’s half in love with you already.”


	16. Chapter 16

Getting ahead of your work apparently payed off, because on Friday you finish early. It’s only three forty and you’re already done. You smile at yourself as you click send on your last email for the day, feeling relaxed for the first time in weeks. You laugh, stretching back with your hands over your head and letting out a loud groan and then a sigh when your spine pops back into place.

You glance at your phone absently, noting you have a missed call from Michael and a text from Anna. You unlock your phone, reading the text twice before it sinks in.

_My water broke._

“SHIT!”

Your panicked shout echoes slightly in the empty room as you immediately tense up again and flail out of your desk chair to start stuffing all your stuff into your bag, murmuring a string of curses under your breath.

“ _Shit, fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck_ ”

The text had been sent ten minutes ago, so she could already be in labor. Wait no, that was ridiculous. Or was it? You don’t know shit about babies.

_Dammit kid, you weren’t supposed to arrive until next week._

You stumble all about your office, checking the computer is switched off and that you haven’t forgotten anything before snatching your coat from the back of your chair and practically flying out the door, coat trailing behind you like a kite’s tail.

You’re just about to get to the elevator when someone turns the corner and bumps into you head on. You stumble back, letting out a small ’ _oof_ ’ as the air is nocked right out of you. He holds you by the arms, steadying you and preventing you from falling on your ass.

You look up and meet his eyes, and oh god, what shade of blue is _that_?

You step back, freeing yourself from Bucky’s arms and shaking yourself from the daze you snapped into.

“Sorry!” You yelp “I-I’m late, um” you don’t know what you’re saying, but your brain is running a mile a minute. He opens his mouth to speak but snaps it shut and furrows his eyebrows when you continue to stumble over your words, your eyes looking all around. Your bag, your coat, his eyes. “Sorry again! I gotta go”

You start to leave, pushing past him with an awkward smile only for him to grab you by the wrist to stop you again. You shift, trying to subtly free yourself from his grip. You really, really need to go.

“Hey, is everything alright? I was on my way to your office.” You grimace, _dammit kid._

You twist yourself from his grip, continuing your brisk walk to the elevator, he follows you. “Yeah um, everything’s alright” you tap your foot while you wait for the elevator to get to your floor. “My friend is giving birth apparently. And I asked for Friday next week, because her due date was on Saturday” you huff “Now I have to get a plane ticket somehow, cancel the one I already bought too. Hopefully I’ll arrive before the kid pops out.” Bucky chuckles beside you, pressing the button for the ground floor.

“Relax doll” he picks at a metal plate from his arm with his right hand “I can take you”

You turn to look at him, eyebrow raised “You do realize I said plane right? It’s not like it’s a half hour drive.”

He shrugs, scratching the back of his neck. “We’ll take a jet.” You do a double take, looking at him with wide eyes “Stark won’t mind.” You can only stare at him.

He huffs a laugh and extends his hand to you, you stare at it. “Give me your phone, you can text me your address” you hand him your phone automatically, still processing his previous words. He gives it back and you pocket it.

“There, text me the address when you get home.” You nod.

The elevator dings and you jump, jerking back into action. “Oh! Um, okay. See you later then!” You wave at him, then shake your head as you sprint towards the subway station.

-

Luckily you packed a bag yesterday so you could leave in a hurry, you didn’t think you would leave until next week, but still. You quickly change into more comfortable clothes, deciding to cancel your plane ticket once you’re there, once everything’s calmed down.

Your phone dings with a text notification, it’s from Bucky, and it’s just a question mark. You huff, rolling your eyes even as you send him your address. You know Tony probably won’t let him borrow a _jet_ , but even a ride to the airport would be nice.

You hurry out the door as you shrug a jacket on. You lock your apartment behind you and turn to head down the stairs, practically vibrating, feeling like you already lost too much time. You hear the roaring sound of an engine and your brow furrows it sounds weird, too big, that can’t be a car. You turn to look over the balcony and then promptly drop your duffel on the floor beside you.

“ _Holy shit_ ” you whisper. Hovering above you, right over the parking lot, is a Stark jet.

You thunder down the stairs, and by the time you come down he’s already landed. You can’t seem to close your gaping mouth, and you laugh loudly with shock when Bucky comes out the jet, arms spread and grin wide on his face.

“I can’t believe this!” You exclaim, you know it’s one of the small jets, but still it looks comically big parked in your building’s parking lot. “Oh my god you’re  _insane_!”

He laughs again and takes your bag from your limp arms. You can’t believe this, you can’t believe him. You stare at the jet and it’s sleek form, parked bizarrely right next to where you live. You laugh again, the sound dulled under the roaring engine.

“You coming?!” Yells Bucky, grin as wide as yours feels.

“Oh!” You come out of your stupor “yeah! Hah! Oh my god” you give an excited wiggle and step onto the jet (Jesus, a Stark jet. What is your life?) the door closes behind you and you try to contain the excited squeal you want to let out.

You fail.


	17. Chapter 17

He huffed, amused but annoyed that his friends were making so much noise. He had been in the gym all day, and after a heavy workout and a shower all he wanted to do was sit down and catch up on reading. Problem was, the team was playing a game of UNO and the shouts and jeers had increased in volume little by little until they echoed all around the common room. Clint was doing some sort of victory dance, twerking on Natasha as she pretended to throw money at him.

He laughed quietly, rolling his eyes and grabbing his book.

“Going to see your girl, sergeant?” Yelled Tony after him. The team made noises of varying interest, then exploded into yells and laughter again when Bucky just raised his middle finger and left, power walking away.

Steve’s echo of “get ‘em” followed him into the hallway.

After he’d followed you into an elevator without noticing. He had finally admitted to himself that he liked you. The second person he told was Steve, even though he had to endure his insufferable all-knowing smirk for a total of ten seconds.

It was strange, you weren’t really anything special,  _well you were_ , but you just didn’t stand out. Why was he so infatuated with you? The old Bucky (he needed to stop thinking about himself as three different people) would have thought you were cute, sure. He’d maybe invite you to dance. So yeah, it wasn’t completely unreasonable.

But that’s not really what he liked about you. You were kind, calming when you hummed to yourself while working, soft in the way you bit you lip and wrung your fingers when you were deep in thought, the way you giggled softly or smiled at him with you eyes like you were genuinely glad to see him. Shy and quiet at times, but always welcoming. You were funny, had an unexpected whip-sharp humor that startled the occasional laugh out of him.

But he didn’t dare say anything, how could he ask for someone like you with all the things he had done? He had taken too many lives, couldn’t live with himself if he took yours as well.

He looks up just in time to collide with someone as he’s rounding the corner. Bucky sucks in short, startled breath. His first instinct in the second he has to react is to push that person away, get their touch away from him.

But then your scent hits his nose. Sweet and familiar, and instead of throwing you away he holds onto your arms to keep you from falling. You let out a soft, winded 'oof’ and stumble back a step. your eyes are wide and startled, then they sort of melt into a warm expression. Bucky gulps hard to dislodge the knot in his throat.

You step out of his hold and his arms linger in mid air for a second, reaching for you again, then they fall limply to his sides.

You apologize frantically, tripping over your words and looking around nervously, mainly to the elevator. He’s worried, wants to speak and ask you what’s wrong, but you don’t look like you’re in danger, just in a hurry. A really big hurry. He wonders if something happened to get you like this, and is surprised that he wants to help you with that too.

You try to push past him and he inhales a sharp breath when your hand grazes his chest. People are always wary of his reaction when they touch him, and even if he’s glad they keep their distance sometimes he gets tired of it. For you to touch him so casually… it makes his heart jump. He makes a split decision to stop you.

When you look back, still wide eyed and almost pleading, his grip on your wrist twitches. He wants to let go immediately, doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable in any way. Still, he forces his hand to remain wrapped gently around your wrist.

“Hey, is everything alright? I was on my way to your office.” You grimace and he grows more alarmed. This time when you free yourself from his grasp he follows you determinedly. He doesn’t give a fuck if Steve won’t let him live it down ever.

“Yeah um, everything’s alright” you tap your foot while you wait for the elevator to get to your floor. “My friend is giving birth apparently. And I asked for Friday next week, because her due date was on Saturday. Now I have to get a plane ticket somehow, cancel the one I already bought too. Hopefully I’ll arrive before the kid pops out.” Bucky lets out a relieved breath, chuckling at your exasperated tone and at himself, for being such a worry wart.

“Relax doll” he knows it’s stupid, absolutely insane actually. He knows the team’ll never leave him alone after this, and if he can’t convince Stark to back him up he’s in trouble. But he looks at your face, the way your brow is furrowed with stress, and decides he doesn’t care. You turn to look at him and Bucky looks away, picking at his metal arm. “I can take you”

-

He has your phone number.

He has your phone number and he’s taking you.. somewhere. He forgot to ask where to. Steve was gonna flip his shit.

Bucky pushes the button to the top floor, and tries to wipe the involuntary grin off his face before he gets there, it’s harder than he thought.

He can tell you didn’t believe him, and he’s honestly a little glad. If he can’t get Stark to let him borrow a jet then he can just give you a ride to the airport or something. He knows you must take the subway, he’s never seen you with a car and he knows that’s how an insane amount of New Yorkers get around. It doesn’t stop him from  being a little worried when you leave late at night.

The team looks at him strangely when he goes into the room, still clutching the book tightly.

“Stark” he starts “I need a favor.”


	18. Chapter 18

“Alright Tin-Man, what is it?”

They’re in the hallway now, mainly so they can escape the renewed noise of the common room. As soon as Bucky had spoken, a hush fell over the room. It was weird for him to speak to Stark, and Bucky was known for being aggressively independent, never asking for anything even if he needed it. He was glad they had moved to the hallway, he was a little embarrassed, but he still wanted to ask.

He turned to look behind him, the door to the common room was ajar, and he could see Steve and Natasha lurking on the other side, he huffed and turned back to Stark.

“I need a jet” he spoke with no preamble, better to get it over with.

Tony raised an eyebrow, surveying him slowly as if searching for bad intentions. There was a glint in his eyes that looked teasing, but that might have been his imagination. Or maybe that was just a Tony Stark thing, a permanent teasing look.

“What for?” That was almost definitely fake innocence Bucky heard in his voice. Bucky grit his teeth, he hated when Stark acted like he knew something that he didn’t, but he really needed this.

“I want to…” he sighed, ran a hand through his hair,

started over “Y/N has to leave for her hometown in a hurry. I’d like to take her, it’s kind of an emergency.” Bucky doesn’t remember ever speaking this many words in a row to Tony Stark.

Tony’s smirk widens and Bucky suppresses a growl.

“You have to forgive me if I don’t trust you with a jet, old man. But-”

“I’ll pilot the jet” The two men turn to look at Natasha, who is standing behind the open door and next to an open-mouthed Steve. She shrugs before speaking again, her voice nonchalant. “I was looking for an excuse to go outside anyway. Besides, everyone keeps telling me about the girl James is crushing on, I’d like to meet her.”

“I’m not  _crushing_  on her” Bucky murmurs, but he’s secretly doing somersaults on the inside. His chest is tight with excitement, and he can’t help the small smile that blooms on his face.

“Well look at that” Tony exclaims. He looks at Natasha, then at Bucky. “Fine then, but bring it back in one piece” he aims this last part at Natasha, who only smirks and motions for Bucky to go with her.

Steve shakes his head with a smile and goes back into the common room.

-

“So” Natasha’s tone is deceivingly nonchalant “Y/N”

Bucky hums noncommittally, helping her adjust the controls on the jet before takeoff. She flops onto the pilot’s seat like it’s a living room couch.

“Yeah, spill. I’ve been trying to set _someone_  up for ages, but Rogers won’t cooperate” she grins. “Tell me everything”

“There’s nothing to tell Nat, she works in the tower” she perks up at that, ooh-ing at him, he ignores her “She’s nice.” He finishes, wanting her to stop looking at him like that.

“Oh, c’mon James, she has to be something more than  _nice_  if I’m flying this jet”

He gives in, knowing there wasn’t a point in trying to keep something from her “She’s kind, and hilarious, and frankly adorable. She sees me as Bucky, y'know? Not a monster, or a teammate, or a soldier, or even an avenger. I guess I kinda miss people looking at me like a person” he huffs, looking away when he sees Natasha glancing at him with those dewy eyes she looks at him with sometimes, when he’s being particularly depressing.

She hums, then turns on the engine.

-

Nat makes fun of him when he realizes they took off without knowing where you lived. Luckily, they were already close by and arrive in a matter of minutes.

He looks for you as they land, and he finally sees you, bursting from the side of the building, your face frozen in a shocked expression. He  _knew_  you hadn’t believed him.

“She is pretty” Natasha comments, a smile pulling at the corner of her lips as she opens the door for him.

You give a loud, incredulous laugh when you see him, your wide eyes glimmering with childish astonishment. Bucky’s heart expands, pumping wildly in his chest at the sound of your laughter, it’s the first time he’s smiled this big in a long, _long_ while.

He basks in your gleeful expression, and feels weirdly proud of putting that look on your face. When he takes your bag you seem to not notice, and remain standing outside, gawking at the sleek aircraft.

“What a cutie” Natasha smiles, and Bucky’s glad to get the approval of one of his best friends, he beams at her and she gives a surprised laugh. “Oh boy, you really are a goner aren’t you?”

He ignores her, and places your duffel inside a compartment near the floor.

“You coming?!” He shouts, cupping his hand next to his face so he’s heard over the sound of the roaring engine.

“Oh! yeah! Hah! Oh my god” Natasha snorts behind him. You give an excited wiggle and there’s a nearly painful tug to his chest. You step onto the aircraft, looking around with your mouth half open, Bucky can see you taking everything in, looking at the inside of the jet like you’re in an art gallery. When you take off you squeak softly in excitement, then in fear when Natasha speaks from the pilot seat and startles you.

“Hi” she grins “nice to meet you, I’m Natasha. I’d shake your hand but we’d probably crash if I do that.” Your eyes widen, looking at Natasha curiously and maybe a little nervously. “I’ve heard a  _lot_ of good things about you.” She says pointedly. Bucky gives her a warning glare that he knows she caught, even if she doesn’t turn his way.

“You have?” Your voice comes at an unusual high pitch “I mean, nice to meet you too. Thank you so much for doing this”

Bucky can’t tell what’s wrong. Maybe it’s nothing, or maybe it’s the stress of the day that’s getting to you, but your voice is a little strained when you talk to Natasha. And your eyes look almost… sad?

He moves closer to you.

-

You arrive at your hometown almost two and a half hours later, and Bucky’s a tad disappointed that it went by so quickly. He isn’t about to say anything to you though.

The ride was quiet at first, but Nat had made an effort to spark a conversation (thank the heavens for her, he’d have to buy her one of those gooey brownies that she liked when they got back). It had worked, because soon all three of you were talking and laughing. He enjoyed the way your expression changed when you listened to them tell stories of their past missions, looking almost like you were watching a super interesting movie unfold right before your eyes. You’d relaxed around Nat too, and he breathed out in relief when he caught you giggling uncontrollably at the Budapest story.

“I’ll have to meet Clint someday” you gasped, holding on to your stomach.

Natasha made a considering noise “Oh, he’d love you. Maybe I’ll invite you guys for coffee someday”

You choked on your next breath, your mouth dropping open with a faint pop. You were about to speak but were cut off when Natasha spoke again.

“We’re here”

You stood up in a flash, and Bucky handed you your bag while Natasha landed the aircraft at the hospital’s parking lot.

Nat reached upwards and flipped a switch, which caused the door to open with a sharp hiss.

“You guys saved my life today” you said sincerely, shouldering the duffel. You grinned up at Bucky, stepping closer and then immediately stepping back. “Um, can I hug you?”

Bucky’s breath punched out of his lungs. He couldn’t believe you. You wanted to hug him, and that was a surprise on its own. But the fact that you asked? Search his face kindly to check if he was comfortable? It made his heart ache with a sudden burst of… something.

He couldn’t speak, so he only nodded at you. You stepped forward again, confidently this time, and wrapped your hands around his waist in a tight embrace.

You were warm, and soft, and your shampoo smelled like coconut. Your bag hit him in the ribs, but he couldn’t care less. It felt like comfort, something he hadn’t had for many years, not for real at least. He shut his eyes tightly and tried as best as he could to absorb the feeling through his skin.

You pulled apart after a long moment, one that felt too short anyway, and smiled at him before shouting your goodbyes to Natasha and then sprinting off the jet.

“Wow” breathed Natasha.

“Yeah” Bucky said back.

-

They watched you be greeted halfway through the parking lot by a tall, dark skinned man who swept you into a tight hug before ushering you inside.

“She has a soulmate” Bucky blurts without thinking, keeping his eyes on the glass door even after you disappear from sight.

“What?!” Natasha snaps her gaze to him “that him?” She points towards the hospital entrance, then flips the switch that closes the door.

“I don’t thinks so. I don’t think she’s met them actually, she wears a leather cuff because she doesn’t like her words.” He sits down on the floor and leans on a wall.

“Well that sucks”

He hums in agreement but doesn’t say anything. He’s thinking about that man he saw you hugging, he really had no idea who he was, or who  _you_  were, for that matter. He didn’t actually know anything about you, and who knows, maybe he _was_ your soulmate. It wouldn’t make a lot of sense for you to not live in the same place, but it was still a possibility. Maybe it wasn’t him, but you could have already met them and just hadn’t told him anything. Jealousy churned uncomfortably in his gut and her frowned at himself.

“Why haven’t you said anything then? Is it because you’re embarrassed?” Natasha says, interrupting his train of thought.

“I’m not embarrassed” He really wasn’t. He was against telling the team at first because he knew they wouldn’t leave him alone about it, but he had never been embarrassed of liking anyone, and wasn’t about to start now. He wanted to tell you, the problem was that he  _couldn’t_. It was just better for everyone involved if he kept his feelings to himself.


	19. Chapter 19

As soon as you hop off the jet you see Michael running for the glass doors of the hospital. He looks pale and tired, but still happy to see you.

“Holy shit!” He exclaims, pulling you into a bear hug and spinning you around once, he holds you by the arms, looking you up and down with a grin, then turning to the jet and laughing incredulously. “Hah! Perks of working with the Avengers I guess” you roll your eyes. He stared wide eyed at the aircraft for a second before seeming to snap out of it, he takes your bag and nudges you towards the entrance, you both sprint towards the hospital.

“It’s lucky you’re here” he pants, once you’re in the elevator “I don’t know what we would’ve done if-” he laughs “she refuses to have that baby without you” you chuckle, you can imagine. Knowing Anna, she’s intimidated half the hospital staff into waiting.

You hear a pained grunt come from the room ahead of you as soon as Michael opens the door. “I’ll hold the little bastard in if I have to goddammit, but-” yep, that’s her. You walk into the room, waving awkwardly “Y/N! Thank god!”

The two nurses in the room let out a relieved breath when they see you.

“Mike told me you came flying in” she waggles her eyebrows, trying to annoy you. Her clammy, pale face dampens the effect a little.

“Anna I swear to god, can’t we talk about this  _after_ the baby’s out of your body?” Incredibly, she pouts, like she’d much rather bother you about your life than give birth to her child. She winces, holding a hand to her stomach.

“Does it hurt?” You ask, eyes flitting nervously from her huge tummy back to her tired face.

Anna flops her hand back and forth in a dismissive way “It comes and goes, mostly it feels like period cramps, only worse.” You grimace, reaching out and combing back tendrils of damp hair from her forehead. “Yeah, I’m not exactly feeling the ‘magic of childbirth’ yet”.

You wait for a few minutes until the doctor says she’s ready. Michael is pacing back and forth inside the room, looking both happy and terrified. He whines loudly when everyone starts to get ready, standing around her bed. You and Anna look at each other and snigger at him.

“You okay there Mikey? You’re looking a bit green” you smile at him, showing teeth.

“Fuck off” he grunts, walking to the other side of the bed and holding Anna’s hand while you laugh at him. She shakes her head at him, leaning up to kiss him with a smile.

It lasts less than you expected, you’re only there for two hours, more or less. You’re speaking encouraging words to her, reminding her (and sometimes Michael) to breathe. He’s got a permanent pained expression on his face, but still smiles at his soulmate every time she looks over at him. You’re worried his hand will break.

At last it’s over, her screaming stops and a new, shrill scream fills the room. You all gasp, even the nurses, who must’ve done this a thousand times already.

“The baby!” You exclaim, heart pounding and eyes stinging as the beaming nurse puts the baby boy on top of Anna’s chest. Michael is crying, not even bothering to wipe his eyes as tears stream down his face. The baby bounces softly every time Anna sobs. You coo at him, letting out a watery laugh as you watch him clench his tiny fist.

“What’s his name?” You ask, as the nurses take him away to get him cleaned up.

Anna looks up at you and you feel a burst of pride for your friend. She looks tired, and sweaty, there’s dark circles under her eyes, but somehow her eyes are shining, and she’s never looked happier.

“Mathew” she breathes, reaching out her arms to take her son again and then handing him over to Michael. You walk around the bed and stand next to him, looking down at their son.

“Hi Matty” you coo. “Congrats on having the world’s best aunt.” Anna slaps your arm softly, giggling at you.

-

They’re both sleeping now, even though Anna complained the whole time that hospital beds were shit. Little Matty didn’t complain at all, he was asleep before he touched the little hospital crib. You had to hold back tears at how adorable he looked with his little bear hat and mittens.

You and Michael are sitting in the cafeteria, you have a sandwich and he has two. You sip your orange juice, staring at him, he’s already on his second sandwich, while you’re barely halfway through yours.

“I was so nervous” he speaks, licking mayo from the corner of his mouth “my stomach was in knots. Now it’s all over I feel like I haven’t eaten in days.” You raise your eyebrow, amused.

“You poor thing” you can’t keep the teasing smile off your voice. He kicks you playfully under the table and you laugh.

“Anyway, I’ve been talking about me this whole time” he says, you shake your head, about to open your mouth to tell him it’s fine when he speaks again “I’m dying to know the whole story behind the whole-” he flattens his palm, gliding it down to the table to mime a landing plane.

You sigh, taking a big bite from your sandwich to buy you some time. “I met my soulmate” you say finally.

“I know” he says it automatically, then grimaces apologetically. “Sorry”

“It’s fine” you smile “I’ve come to accept you as an extension of Anna”

“She didn’t tell me, I promise. She just speaks… really loudly… on the phone.” You laugh, nodding your head.

“I know, it’s no problem.” You sigh again “there’s not much of a story really, he um, he offered to give me a ride. Since Matty came early and all”

“Wait, holy shit. I thought it was just company perks or somethin’, Anna told me you got promoted. Is your soulmate an Avenger?!” You hiss at him, widening your eyes and looking around the room. Luckily it’s almost empty, and no one is paying you any attention.

“I can’t tell you that!” You whisper loudly.

“Is it classified information?” He whispers back, looking way too excited about the prospect. His eyes are twinkling excitedly. “Oh fuck, is your soulmate Tony Stark?!”

“No, you dumbass. I just haven’t told Anna yet.” He opens his mouth but you cut him off. “Look, you know what my words are, so you can guess how the whole thing might be a bit complicated.” You roll your eyes at the look he gives you. It’s actually kind of hilarious. Michael Oakland, a six foot two, dark and burly man. Bouncing in his seat like an overgrown child. “And he’s not an Avenger. Well I don’t know, not really? Not yet, maybe? He’s kinda high on the hierarchy though, which explains the jet, and my deep rooted insecurity.”

He huffs, giving you the full power of his judgmental eyebrows. You roll your eyes, eating the last bite of your sandwich, you clap your hands together to get rid of the crumbs and stand up with Michael’s help “You’ll figure it out kid.”

You walk together to wait outside Anna’s room, everything went fine, so she’ll probably be discharged as soon as she wakes up. The chairs are a little bit uncomfortable but you don’t really mind waiting.

Michael looks like he’s deep in thought, and doesn’t speak for a couple of minutes. The only sounds in the hallway are people walking back and forth once in a while “By the way” he says, breaking the calm silence “you can tell him he’s invited for lunch, even if he’s the Hulk.”

You laugh.


	20. Chapter 20

The weekend goes great, you hadn’t realized how much you needed a break until you came back from the hospital and flopped on your friends’ couch, it was even better than your own bed in New York, and you instantly felt drowsy.

Michael laughs at you as he helps Anna into the house.

It’s nice, being surrounded by your favorite people again, even if you have to spend your weekend helping them cook and clean. Anna can’t do much in her tired state, and you can tell she’s getting restless. She was always the most active out of the two of you, and sitting in bed doing nothing and ‘resting’ is getting on her last nerve.

She uses her free time and pent up energy to pester you.

“Y/N…” she coos sweetly on Saturday. She’s feeding Matty on the couch while you help Michael cook lunch.

“Oh no” you answer, not even bothering to turn to her as you scoop pasta into three plates, you know without looking that she has a fake, sickly sweet smile on her freckled face.

She ignores you “Michael tells me something really interesting, he says that you flew in with the Avengers, which means you were lying when you said you didn’t really see them at the tower. And also means you owe me their autographs”

You huff and glare over at Michael, who avoids your gaze as he tries to stir the lemonade as innocently as he can.

“I told you that months ago, when it was true” Anna jolts like she’s been shocked at the news that you _did_  know them, she probably thought you’d deny it. You continue before she can say anything “besides, I didn’t fly in with  _the Avengers_ ,” you roll your eyes “just Bucky and Natasha.”

“ _Ooh_ , you on first name basis with them now?” Anna says, but you don’t answer her. You’re looking wide eyed at Michael, realizing your slip up. You told him you’d arrived with your soulmate, and now he knows who was with you.

He’s frozen on the spot, the wooden spoon he was using to stir the sauce is hovering in mid air. It’s dripping onto the floor, but he doesn’t notice.

_Oh no._

-

You have to tell them, you’re going back on Sunday and you’re not sure when you can see your friends again. It’s strange, how there’s a deep hollow feeling inside you like you miss them already, and yet they’re both sitting in front of you eating pasta.

Matty is snoozing on a little baby rocking chair near the table, and the only sounds are the soft clanking of forks against the ceramic plates. It’s not an uncomfortable silence, you know this, but you still feel nervous.

“So” you start, trying not to fidget “um, I should probably tell you who my soulmate is”

Anna’s head snaps up to look at you, Michael turns too, but you know he probably figured out who it is by now. You sigh.

“It’s Bucky” you blurt, grimacing. The words feel like they scratched your throat on the way out, you take a gulp of lemonade to soothe your throat.

“Barnes?!” Anna squeaks, her eyes wide as saucers. Michael nods, smiling at you in a way that confirms that he knew already. “You mean The Winter Soldier is your soulmate?”

For some reason, the comment irks you. You don’t say anything, you know she didn’t mean anything by it. But the thought of people immediately associating Bucky Barnes, an impossibly kind and caring man, with a ruthless killer makes you feel a tad defensive.

You grimace “Yes, Bucky Barnes is my soulmate” hearing the words out loud take your breath away, and you don’t know if it’s nerves or excitement.

“Oh wow” she says, then louder  " _Oh, wow_. Does he know yet?“

You shake your head no.

"You gonna tell him?”

For some reason you can’t find your voice, the reality of it is slowly sinking in. Bucky Barnes is your soulmate. You’re meant to spend the rest of your life with him. Someone who is perfect in every way, who you know you will never deserve.

Maybe you don’t deserve him, but you know that after all this time he deserves a soulmate, a companion, a friend. You know you have to get your shit together and step up to your job. Something like cold panic is creeping up your spine but you brush it away.

“Yeah” you choke “yeah, I think I will.”

-

You’re tired. You’ve been tired before, but never like this.

You love little Matty, but he has a pair of lungs on him. You don’t envy Anna right about now, who can’t escape back to New York like you can. You spent a few hours on a plane, waiting for more than an hour for a delayed flight and then sitting next to a snoring old man  the whole ride (at one point he stopped snoring and you’d worried he’d died right there next to you, but he woke himself up with a particularly loud snore only seconds later). Now it’s five am, and you haven’t slept a wink, and you have to get ready for work. Also, you haven’t stopped thinking about Bucky, ever since Saturday you realized that you really, _really_ had to tell him soon, before you lost your nerve. Still, every time you think about it a shiver of nerves runs down your spine and the tips of your fingers go numb and clammy with panic.

Today is the day, and oh fuck. You’re not ready at all.

-

You tremble so much on the way there that a woman on the subway asks you if you’re okay.

-

As if you’ve summoned him, the minute you walk into your office and start taking out your stuff from your brown leather briefcase he walks in.

You look at him different now, now that you know you’re about to tell him. He’s talking, you can see his mouth moving but you can’t hear a thing. Your heart is about to beat out of your chest and your lungs grow tighter and tighter around the scarce air you’re inhaling and you’re suddenly  _cold_.

“-thought you’d stay longer but Stark told me you came back today.” He’s talking, he’s talking and you’re just standing there, feeling pale and lightheaded “Um, I just wanted to ask about the um, the baby. Did everything go alright?” You can feel the words, climbing up your throat and settling on your tongue and you hold on to the back of your comfy leather chair so you don’t pass out “I mean, I didn’t want to text you, partly because I didn’t want to bother you and partly because I don’t really understand how- …hey, are you alri-” You’re not, you’re not alright. Your hands are shaking and your jaw clamps shut, trying to stop you from speaking. You pry it open anyway and speak with broken words.

“You’re my soulmate.”


	21. Chapter 21

_“You’re my soulmate”_

The words linger in the air long after you’ve spoken them, your tongue feels heavy and strange in your mouth and you feel so lightheaded you know you have to sit down.

You don’t. You only tighten your white-knuckled grip on the back of your leather seat.

_“You’re my soulmate”_

At first Bucky doesn’t react, and you fear he didn’t actually hear you and you’ll have to speak those words again. But then he shifts, mouth still gaping from being cut off in the middle of a sentence, and speaks.

“ _What?_ ” His voice is hoarse and quiet, but you can’t answer him, you can’t speak at all.

Instead you release your death grip on the seat and reach a trembling hand to the leather cuff that’s permanently tied around your wrist. You can’t undo the knot, you can’t undo the knot because your hand is shaking and your skin is clammy and it’s just tied too tightly. You scratch at the cuff, gasping brokenly when it just, won’t,  _budge_.

You take a deep breath, steeling yourself and not looking at him and then you try again. The knot comes undone.

You untie your cuff and now the skin of your wrist is bare. It feels strange to take it off in front of him, like you’re taking off your skin and showing him your soul. You extend your arm to him anyway, palm facing up, your hand is shaking so badly your whole arm is shaking with it.

Bucky steps forward, eyes flitting between your arm and your eyes. You bite your lip painfully, trying to keep your tears at bay. You don’t know why you feel like crying. You don’t know if it’s shame or sadness or insecurity or pure anxiety. All you know is that you’re feeling everything so intensely that the moment he takes your hand in his and presses his thumb to your palm your hand spasms around his hold and you choke on a sob.

He looks into your eyes once more before he reads the words on your wrist. There’s a pause before he speaks.

“Did I-”

You know what he’s going to ask, you know he doesn’t really remember. What was only a passing moment for him was your whole world shifting and cracking around you.  _Did I say that?_

“Yes” you whisper “in the hallway.” You try to swallow the knot in your throat but it doesn’t work, your voice breaks anyway. “You thought I was someone else.”

His hand is still holding yours “Why…” he pauses, breathes “why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you say anything?”

You try to tug free from his grip, but he’s holding you too tightly, he doesn’t even seem to notice. “I-I thought you wouldn’t want me. I mean-I mean my soulmate, not you specifically.” You clench your eyes shut tightly, shaking your head when your throat closes up again.

Bucky looks confused for a second, then reads the words again. It takes a moment, and he probably reads a few times, but finally he seems to get it. What you thought it had meant, the words you had printed on your skin since you were born, haunting you since you could remember. In the next second he gasps like he’s been stabbed, letting go of your hand and backing away so quickly that you startle and jump.

He’s pale, looking you up and down a few times before croaking out a hoarse apology “I’m sorry” you start to shake your head but he speaks before you can “I’m  _so sorry_  doll, Jesus” he drags a hand over his mouth, looking a little like he’s about to be sick “you’ve had to live with that your whole life?” He’s frantic, his stance stiff and his voice pained “no wonder you’ve- I thought you wore that thing to…”

You shake your head harshly. Your heart hurts, it feels like it’s beating so hard you’ll break a rib. You step forward, you don’t even know what for, to comfort him maybe, to tell him it’s not his fault. You just have to get him to stop looking like that, you don’t ever want him to be in pain because of you.

“Bucky” you choke out, barely a whisper, but he hears you. He looks at you, eyes glassy and red with unshed tears.

“I’m sorry” he says again through a gasp.

“No, Buck-”

“I’m so sorry, I can’t” he shakes his head, holding up his hand so you can’t come any closer to him “I can’t” he says with finality.

You can only watch him, helpless and broken, as he wrenches the door open and leaves your office. Leaves you as well, the pain in your chest so strong you go numb.


	22. Chapter 22

_“You’re my soulmate”_

The words linger in the air long after you’ve spoken them, your tongue feels heavy and strange in your mouth and you feel so lightheaded you know you have to sit down.

You don’t. You only tighten your white-knuckled grip on the back of your leather seat.

_“You’re my soulmate”_

At first Bucky doesn’t react, and you fear he didn’t actually hear you and you’ll have to speak those words again. But then he shifts, mouth still gaping from being cut off in the middle of a sentence, and speaks.

“ _What?_ ” His voice is hoarse and quiet, but you can’t answer him, you can’t speak at all.

Instead you release your death grip on the seat and reach a trembling hand to the leather cuff that’s permanently tied around your wrist. You can’t undo the knot, you can’t undo the knot because your hand is shaking and your skin is clammy and it’s just tied too tightly. You scratch at the cuff, gasping brokenly when it just, won’t,  _budge_.

You take a deep breath, steeling yourself and not looking at him and then you try again. The knot comes undone.

You untie your cuff and now the skin of your wrist is bare. It feels strange to take it off in front of him, like you’re taking off your skin and showing him your soul. You extend your arm to him anyway, palm facing up, your hand is shaking so badly your whole arm is shaking with it.

Bucky steps forward, eyes flitting between your arm and your eyes. You bite your lip painfully, trying to keep your tears at bay. You don’t know why you feel like crying. You don’t know if it’s shame or sadness or insecurity or pure anxiety. All you know is that you’re feeling everything so intensely that the moment he takes your hand in his and presses his thumb to your palm your hand spasms around his hold and you choke on a sob.

He looks into your eyes once more before he reads the words on your wrist. There’s a pause before he speaks.

“Did I-”

You know what he’s going to ask, you know he doesn’t really remember. What was only a passing moment for him was your whole world shifting and cracking around you.  _Did I say that?_

“Yes” you whisper “in the hallway.” You try to swallow the knot in your throat but it doesn’t work, your voice breaks anyway. “You thought I was someone else.”

His hand is still holding yours “Why…” he pauses, breathes “why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you say anything?”

You try to tug free from his grip, but he’s holding you too tightly, he doesn’t even seem to notice. “I-I thought you wouldn’t want me. I mean-I mean my soulmate, not you specifically.” You clench your eyes shut tightly, shaking your head when your throat closes up again.

Bucky looks confused for a second, then reads the words again. It takes a moment, and he probably reads a few times, but finally he seems to get it. What you thought it had meant, the words you had printed on your skin since you were born, haunting you since you could remember. In the next second he gasps like he’s been stabbed, letting go of your hand and backing away so quickly that you startle and jump.

He’s pale, looking you up and down a few times before croaking out a hoarse apology “I’m sorry” you start to shake your head but he speaks before you can “I’m  _so sorry_  doll, Jesus” he drags a hand over his mouth, looking a little like he’s about to be sick “you’ve had to live with that your whole life?” He’s frantic, his stance stiff and his voice pained “no wonder you’ve- I thought you wore that thing to…”

You shake your head harshly. Your heart hurts, it feels like it’s beating so hard you’ll break a rib. You step forward, you don’t even know what for, to comfort him maybe, to tell him it’s not his fault. You just have to get him to stop looking like that, you don’t ever want him to be in pain because of you.

“Bucky” you choke out, barely a whisper, but he hears you. He looks at you, eyes glassy and red with unshed tears.

“I’m sorry” he says again through a gasp.

“No, Buck-”

“I’m so sorry, I can’t” he shakes his head, holding up his hand so you can’t come any closer to him “I can’t” he says with finality.

You can only watch him, helpless and broken, as he wrenches the door open and leaves your office. Leaves you as well, the pain in your chest so strong you go numb.


	23. Chapter 23

It’s a different kind of silence, the kind that fills the room, it presses against your ears and muffles all sound. It curls inside your lungs and around your throat, making it imposible to breathe.

_I can’t._

“Stop” you say, but the silence muffles your voice.

You can’t cry. In some way, deep inside you, you always knew this would happen. You knew that no matter how hard you tried to be better or how much you denied your words they would never disappear from your skin. No leather cuff could cut the thread of destiny.

Your destiny, whether you liked it or not, no matter how much you tried to change it. Was to be rejected.

_Rejected._

Is that really what had happened? You’d thought that Bucky would be, if not your soulmate, your friend. But the way he had run, the way the very thought of being with you had sent him into obvious panic, said otherwise. The worst part was that you didn’t even know what you’d done wrong. Had it been something you’d done at all? Or was the rejection inevitable, as indelible as the ink on the skin of your wrist.

There’s pain, sharp and heavy, rippling from your chest to the rest of your body. A broken cry and a gasp are teared from your throat, and you bring up your shaking hand to muffle your dry sobs. You’re shaking all over, and you can’t stand a moment longer. Your desk chair ir right in front of you, but still you sink to the floor, cradling your chest as if to gather the remaining pieces of your heart.

“Pull yourself together” you gasp, horribly loud against the silence as your voice tears against your teeth and turns into something like a pained wail. You still have work to do, you can’t fall apart now, not when you knew this would happen all along. _Stupid, so stupid, to think he would love you back._

-

Your apartment feels empty, it’s always been empty really. But now it feels like you don’t live there either, like the couch you’d left unmade was for someone else to sleep in, like the walls were gray with time you hadn’t spent there, like the space you’d been occupying hadn’t really been lived in.

You’re so exhausted your bones hurt, but still you lay in bed at night, staring at the familiar cracks in the ceiling. It’s colored red and yellow with the lights from the city. You think about Bucky, and how you’ve probably lost him forever. The colors blend and blur as you cry.

-

You don’t know how you do it. Sleeping and then waking up and going to work and answering messages. It feels like you’ve been watching someone else’s life this whole time, and now you’re being forced to live it yourself.

Anna calls and you don’t answer. It’s the first time you’ve ever done that.

The week goes by at an agonizing pace. And on Friday you’re just about ready to collapse right where you’re standing. Your work has been piling up all week, since you’ve been a lot slower than usual and find it harder to concentrate without drifting off. So now you have to stay and finish everything. It’s hell, by the time you’re done you’ve been about to cry out of frustration twice, only just managing to get it together at the last moment. It’s dark outside.

You’re nervous, there’s been rumors of a dangerous gang causing trouble in the city, and you’re walking home alone in the darkness of the night. But it’s not like you can stay here, so you pack up your things and steel yourself, you’ll just have to walk quickly.

The light are still on but the tower feels empty. You’re walking down the hallway, clutching your briefcase tightly in your hands when suddenly there’s a tap to your shoulder. You’re so startled that you yelp, turning around to stare wide eyed at the person behind you.

“What are you still doing here?” He asks, holding his hands up placatingly “it’s really late.”

_Holy shit._

“I um…” you don’t know what to say. There he is, another one of the Avengers, chewing on a croissant and standing right in front of you like it’s nothing.

“Sorry for startling you” he brushes crumbs from his hand on the side of his jeans and then offers it to you. “I’m-”

“Hawkeye” you gasp, at the same time he says “Clint”.

There’s a short, awkward silence that lasts anywhere between one third of a second and five years. And then he grins so big that his eyes almost close.

“Oh. Ooh ho HO! AHA! Nat is gonna love that, holy shit. You’re my favorite person already” he takes it upon himself to grab the hand you never offered and shake it excitedly. “C’mon, I’ll walk you home.”

He starts striding purposefully towards the elevator and you follow him automatically, struggling to catch up with him. You tap him on the shoulder so he turns to you “Wh-hey! What’s going on?”

He chews the last bite of his croissant deliberately while you wait for the elevator to come up “There’s kind of an informal curfew now, cuz of all that’s been going on? Everyone else’s gone from the building, but FRIDAY said you were still here.”

“And  _you_ came to pick me up?” That seemed a little below his pay grade.

“Yup, they were gonna send one of the guards for you, but I volunteered.” He chuckles to himself “you kinda saved me from having to answer some awkward questions at ‘family dinner’” he does air quotes and shakes his head in amusement “normally I just turn this off” he taps his hearing aid with his index finger “but this time I was targeted directly, so thanks for that, um…”

“Y/N” you say, you’re still a little starstruck, but he’s talking too fast for you to truly process it.

“Holy shit! Isn’t that a coincidence?” He’s looking at you strangely, and you hope you haven’t been staring at _him_  like that this whole time, that would be embarrassing. “Nat told me about you.”

You choke on absolutely nothing, and your voice comes out like a wheeze when you speak “She what?” This is insane, absolutely freaking insane.

“Oh yah” And then says nothing else on the matter.

He salutes one of the guards at the entrance “Night Gary! Anyway, where are we going? I’m kinda just walking anywhere, heh, but I don’t actually know the way”

“Oh! Sorry, I have to get to the subway so It’s good”

Clint -and calling him that is still weird- is surprisingly talkative, he asks you about your life, specific questions like 'Is the coffee on your floor any good? Have you tried out the gym already? Why did you move to New York?’ He asks you about your hobbies and your friends in a way that suggests he’s actually interested in knowing the life of a normal civilian like you and not just making small talk.

He befriends two old ladies on the subway, cooing over their dog -an old labrador sleeping at their feet- and asking about their grandkids. The ladies share their top secret hot chocolate recipe with him.

This is the most normal you’ve felt in some time, and some of the heaviness lifts from your heart. Clint feels like a friend already, more open and honest and human than most of the people you’ve met while working at the tower.

“We’re almost there” you say after a few minutes of walking in comfortable silence. Clint has his hands in his pockets, and is humming something under his breath, the song too quiet for you to recognize.

Suddenly, there is a loud, rumbling sound behind you, disturbing the silence of the night, you turn quickly to look and see a motorcycle approaching at top speed. You grow frightened, it’s not uncommon for people to be out and about at night, but you’ve been tense ever since you left the tower, a tickle at the back of your neck falsely alerting you of someone dangerous that is following.

You grip Clint’s arm tightly, startling him into action just in time for him to turn and then pull you behind him before the motorcycle stops only a few feet away from you. Your heart is beating wildly, and although your brain fleetingly compares both experiences, this is so much worse than being catcalled.

You try to remember you’re with an Avenger, and even if he doesn’t have his bow and arrow with him he’s still dangerous. The man gets off the bike, looking almost drunk as he stumbles over the seat and he swing his leg over it.

“ _Bucky?_ ” Clint asks incredulous, relaxing his stance minutely.

It is him, you realize. He looks out of breath, as if he had ran all the way here instead of ridden a motorcycle. You know Clint knows he isn’t a threat. Still, he grips you tightly again when he comes closer. Bucky looks different, almost wild, but like he’s trying to contain it as best he can.

Your heart stops and then Ba-thunks back on, hammering against your ribs.

“Hey, you alright?” Clint turns to look at you for a fraction of a second before focusing back on Bucky, who staggers over to you and gives you both searching glances. There’s a deep, worried frown on his face as he looks at you then at Clint then back at you again.

“Are you..I thought that, uh, um, I th-” he’s panting, breathing great, heaving breaths that don’t let him speak.

You share a glance with Clint, trying to read in his expression what you should do. You want to help him, but you don’t know if you’ll just make it worse.

“Hey man, breathe okay? You’re gonna give yourself a panic attack” Clint steps forward, placing a hand on Bucky’s shoulder. He shoves him off, stumbling a few steps away from you and bending forward to place his hands on his knees.

You wait a few moments in silence, trying not to panic too as you watch Bucky trying to pull himself back together.

“Can you tell us what’s wrong?” You mean for your voice to come out strong and comforting, but you only manage a whisper. Still, Bucky turns to look at you out of the corner of his eye and steps closer again. He’s looking at you directly, and you fidget as his hands flutter at his sides like he meant to reach out for you but thought better of it. Bucky takes a deep, steeling breath.

He turns to Clint, suddenly avoiding your gaze. “There was an attack, a little after you left” he sighs “they left a message on the wall with graffiti, and stabbed a couple walking on the street. I knew you’d left to walk Y/N home” your heart skips a beat when he says your name, but he still won’t look at you “and I just thought… I had to make sure.”

His gaze turns to you and then quickly away again “the others went to check out the site, I forgot my phone at the tower so I don’t know the details.”

You watch him closely, he looks disheveled, his face is scruffy and his eyes are bruised with lack of sleep.

Clint looks at you, then blinks back up at Bucky. He seems to decide there’s something going on. “I’ll tell the others we’re fine, you guys…” he waggles a finger between the two of you “figure it out.”

He takes his cellphone out of his pocket while he walks away “I’m taking the motorcycle, by the way!”

Bucky sighs “Clint..”

“Bye!” The roar of the engine fades as he disappears into the city.

There’s a moment of awkward silence as you wait, standing in front of each other, for one of you to speak first. Then Bucky sighs, tries to run a hand through his hair and then grunts when it gets stuck on a knot.

“I-” his voice is hoarse “I’m sorry, I should head back.” He keeps his head down, and the deep, crushing sadness that has been nesting in your chest ever since that day in your offices wakes up and twists itself into anger.

“I want to know why you left” you grit out. This is _exactly_  why you didn’t want a soulmate in the first place, destiny just made things so  _complicated._  Especially one as shitty as yours. “I know I’m not… well, much. But would it really be that bad to-” you cut yourself off. To what? Give it a chance? Give  _you_  a chance? At this point you don’t even know, and you’re tired of letting this whole thing steer your life this way and that.

“What? No, _no_  Y/N. you have  _nothing_ to do with it. I want you to be safe, and I would never hurt you intentionally but… you have to understand that I’m dangerous.” He looks haunted as he says this, and he’s reaching out for you with one hand even if he wraps his other arm around his middle. “I’ve done some things that are-” he swallows hard “unforgivable. And you would be much better off without me, I’ve hurt you enough already, and you deserve someone much better than I’ll ever be. I don’t want you to be with me just because you have to.”

You are  _appalled_ , absolutely and thoroughly horrified that he would say that. Doesn’t he know he can have this? Doesn’t he know that he has you already? That he’s hurting you both even more by being a self sacrificing idiot?! You’ve been suffering over this your whole life! He doesn’t get to decide now that he has to reject you for  _your own fucking safety_. You’re a grown ass woman, you can take care of  _yourself_.

“No, you don’t have  _any right_  to do this Bucky!” You step up into his space, desperate to get him to _understand_. You grab onto his jacket, gripping onto it for dear life “you _don’t_ get to tell me who I deserve, and you have _no_  right to decide who I love!” Your hands are shaking, eyes welling up with emotion, but you refuse to let your voice break. “I’m not doing this because I’m  _supposed_ to, or out of some- some fucked up sense of obligation!  _Fuck soulmates!_ I love you just because I do!”

There’s blood rushing in your ears and no breath in your lungs as you search his eyes. Bright, blue pools that aren’t saying anything you can understand. He looks shocked, and you fear you may have gone too far.

Suddenly, you realize how close you are to him, only a few inches from his face, hands still gripping tight onto the leather of his jacket.

You let go of him instantly, stumbling back two steps. You’ve  _definitely_ gone too far. You didn’t even ask to touch him, got too close without his consent. You’re terrified that you’ve harmed him somehow, crashed into one of his protective walls without permission just because you were angry.

But in the next moment, Bucky closes the distance between you in just one step, reaches out to grip you tightly by the arms, and surges forward to kiss you.

You gasp, and the sound pulls you apart. Your brain is going into overdrive- _he kissed you he kissed you he kissed you_ \- and suddenly you’re talking a mile a minute.

“You’re not dangerous, you’re kind and compassionate and funny and thoughtful and absolutely wonderf-  _mhp!_ ”

 _Shut up._  He doesn’t say it out loud, instead forming the shape of the words against your lips. And there’s something, something bright and airy and earth-shattering bubbling up to your chest as his soft lips move against yours. It’s a laugh, and it escapes when his arms surround your waist to press you closer to him. He’s smiling too, and you taste it, again and again you taste his sweet smile as you grip onto his shoulders so you don’t just float away.

-

“So,” you can’t believe it, he’s holding on to you still, his whole body a wall of warmth that surrounds you in that dizzying scent. This is ridiculous, you’ve been standing in the middle of the sidewalk for at least a few minutes and it’s  _ridiculous_. You bite your lip to keep from giggling. “It’s really late” he hums, pulling away slowly.

“I mean- I’d offer you the spare room if I had one but… heh, I don’t even have a spare couch.” You don’t even have a proper _bed_.

His mouth quirks up “it’s fine.”

You really don’t want him to go, not only because you want to just hug him forever, but because you know it’s not safe right now, deadly assassin or no. You’re considering the mechanics of fitting both of you on the pull out couch when he speaks again.

“I’ll see you soon anyway, and I’ll send you a text when I get to the tower” his eyes are bright even at this hour, and they seem to soften at your worried expression. “I’ll be fine.”

“I know” you say. You  _do_ know, really. But you don’t want to wake up tomorrow to find out this has all been some bizarre dream.

You sigh, smiling brightly at him and standing up on your tip-toes to press a kiss to his cheek. He grips on to your elbows gently and steps away. And either your eyes deceive you or he’s blushing.

“Bye” he whispers. And you notice him shake his head at himself as he leaves, a bright, incredulous smile on his face.


	24. Chapter 24

You walk into your apartment expecting something to be different. Like when you were a kid, and would come back home from a trip only to be surprised that your house had been just as you’d left it.

Unsurprisingly, everything is the same as it was this morning, but at the same time, everything is different. Bucky’s kiss still tingles on your lips and there’s a steady, thrumming warmth that radiates from your chest.

You feel happy, you realize with a start. You grin, big and bright and silly, giggling manically as you prance around your apartment, uncaring of how ridiculous you’re being.

Finally, late at night, you lay watching your ceiling when your phone pings with a message. You lurch from the pull out couch, then scoff at yourself. It’s a bit pathetic how Bucky can affect you this intensely, and you wonder if it’s the same on his side of things.

You look at the screen, reading the message without unlocking your phone.

‘I’m alive :)’

You consider replying, but you don’t find anything to say. You sigh, you’re going to sleep much later than usual, and your sigh turns into a jaw-cracking yawn.

You can text him tomorrow.

-

Anna texts you on Saturday, a simple 'R u ok?’ that has you feeling guilty. You hadn’t meant to ignore her, but your heart was in pieces and you knew if you talked to her you would feel even worse. Isolation had been much easier, but now that all misunderstandings had been cleared -and that you’d gotten kissed- you did want to talk to your best friend.

You started typing out a text, but then thought better of it and called her instead. She answered on the third ring.

“Ohmygod Y/N?” She sounded almost scared, and it made you frown. It hadn’t been _that_  long since you’d talked “I heard about the attack yesterday, and then I realized the street is on the way to your apartment.”

“Wh- it is?”

“Yes!” There’s the sound of Matty fussing in the background, and then shushing noises as she calms him down “And with you not answering the phone… I just got worried.”

“I’m fine Anna, I’m being careful.”

“You better be, or else I’ll haul my ass all the way to New York.” You laugh “alright kid, are you gonna tell me what’s going on? Or am I going to have to wring it out of you by force?”

You take a moment to gather your thoughts. “I told him about, y'know. I told him we were soulmates.”

“JESUS FUCK! What’d he say?!”

You laugh “he ran away.”

“WHAT?!”

You hum “yah, I totally thought he hated me.”

Anna starts cursing on the other side of the phone, threatening bodily harm in increasingly creative ways. “-that little bastard is gonna wish that-”

“Anna” you scold, amused at the fact she thinks she could take on a fully trained assassin, maybe she could, in this state.

“What? He-”

“He kissed me.” You hold the phone away from your ear just in time to hear her let out a long, deafening screech. Matty starts wailing immediately, and Anna proceeds to apologize to him profusely.

“Are you finished deafening your child?” You giggle.

“Fuck off” she responds without missing a beat.

You wait Matty out, and only continue to talk once he’s calmed down.

“It was… god, you know I’m not the cheesy kind but…” you trail off, biting your lip at the memory of Bucky’s lips on yours, the weight of his hand pressing against your lower back, bringing you closer to his warm chest.

Anna giggles on the other side of the line, jolting you from your thoughts. “You spaced out there sweetie.”

“Sorry” you say, a little embarrassed.

“S'okay” she assures “I just wanted to make sure you were fine, and I’m glad to hear the whole soulmate situation is finally coming together for you, it was about time.” You agree with her completely.

“Well kid, this was nice and all, but Matty’s a little grumpy and should probably take a nap.”

“Oh yeah” you say, “sorry.”

“I still want the details later though!”

“Anna…” you smile.

“Okay whatever, bye!”

She hangs up, but the second she does you get a text. The phone pings loudly right into your ear and you wince.

“Ouch” you say, but the grimace on your face falls as you see who it’s from. You grin.

-

 **Unknown number:**  Hey

 **You:**  hi

 **Unknown number:** want to go get pretzels on Monday?

 **Unknown number:**  Steve told me there’s a stand a few blocks from the building.

 **You:**  sounds great :)

 **You:** It’s a date then

 **Unknown number:**  No

 **You:**  Oh

 **Unknown number:** I mean!

 **Unknown number:**  I want to take you out on a date.

 **Unknown number:**  a proper one

 **Unknown number:**  not a pretzel stand

 **Unknown number:**  we can go to the pretzel stand.

 **Unknown number:** but I’ll take you out properly later

 **Unknown number:**  so it’s not a date

 **Unknown number:** yet

 **You:**  ….it’s a date then ;)

 **Unknown number:**  >:(

You wonder who taught Bucky how to use emojis.

-

You and Bucky text back and forth all weekend. He tells you about how Sam is mad at him because Steve doesn’t wake Bucky up for runs at dawn and you tell him about a new recipe for scones you want to try. He tells you how at night, when everyone is asleep and he’s on the rooftop looking down at the city, New York looks almost like he remembers. You tell him you miss your hometown too. He tells you to go to sleep, because it’s three AM. You call him a hypocrite, then go to bed.

On Monday you’re in a good mood, unsurprisingly. You try to be angry at yourself, for the longest time, you’d hated the idea of your mood being controlled by your relationship. But you can’t possibly bring yourself to feel anything other than this bizarre giggly happiness that is mostly foreign to you. You don’t mind it really.

You write on your schedule with unnecessary flourish and you say 'good morning’ to every person you pass on the hallway. You only huff once in mild annoyance when you notice the files you were supposed to get an hour ago haven’t been sent yet.

You aren’t in much of a hurry though, so you decide to head down to the second floor to retrieve them yourself and spare the poor intern that was probably in charge of getting them to you some trouble. You’d been there before, after all.

As soon as you step out of the elevator Marina sees you and waves you over. She smiles up at you and adjusts her glasses thoughtfully before speaking.

“You look like you’re in a good mood”

You laugh. Is it really that obvious? “I actually came down for some files, but I’ll tell you about it later” you wink at her, and try not to giggle at the way she waggles her eyebrows at you “anyway, I was supposed to get some files almost an hour ago, but no one’s stopped by my office. Have you seen-”

“Hey!” You turn to look at the person who just called out. A short, chubby girl with short-cropped platinum blond hair is struggling to carry a filled-to-the-brim briefcase, a tray of coffee, and a stack of files. “Oh my god! Marina! I just totally slept through my alarm and then I missed the bus and I think I lost my keycard so now I am so late for everything!” She struggles quickly over to Marina’s desk and plonks most of what she’s carrying on it so she can regroup. “Maybe I left it in my other purse again? Oh I’m absolutely getting fired for this” You and Marina share a look, and she adjusts her glasses again before moving the glass bowl full of candy sitting on her desk out of the way of this girl’s stuff.

“Could you be an absolute angel and take these up to the fourth floor? Please please please, I promise I’ll repay you later” she’s going to hand the files to Marina but you grab them instead. She starts and looks up at you like she’s just now noticing you’re there.

“I’ll take them, I’m on my way there anyway.” You smile at her reassuringly and her whole stance melts.

“I love you” she says solemnly, looking into your eyes and then hurrying away with the rest of her stuff.

You snort in amusement, and are about to say goodbye to Marina and head back to your floor when you notice him.

There’s a man stepping into the room. He’s wearing a dark suit and sunglasses, and you only have a split second to notice the weird way in which he’s flanked on either side by two other men, and to recognize the way in which he reaches into the inside of his coat for something, and to realize what that is.

Time seems to slow down.

“Marina!” You gasp, almost a scream. And you barely have time to grab on to her before the man fires his gun.


	25. Chapter 25

The sound of the gun going off is deafening, and your world warps and sharpens as you launch yourself forward to grab blindly at Marina, pulling her down to the floor.

Her desk chair makes a racket as you fall, but the sound is quickly drowned by the commotion that follows. People are screaming as the men fire shot after shot. Papers are flying everywhere, and you hear the whiz of a bullet close by just before it hits Marina’s bowl of candy.

The glass shatters and rains over you both, and you do your best to cover your head as candy flies everywhere.

Marina’s sobbing, and she’s trembling so hard you can see her teeth chatter. She adjusts her glasses again and again compulsively, and doesn’t seem to notice the death grip you have on her coat, she cuts her hand on a shard of glass lying on the floor and doesn’t even flinch.

“Marina” you say, but your voice comes out through a gasp, and she can’t hear you, her hand is bleeding “Marina we need to get out of here.” Your legs are weak, and you can’t see anything that’s going on. But you hear the gunshots, and you hear the screams, and you know that if you stay here under her desk you’re going to get hurt for sure.

You need to look, need to see what’s going on, you don’t know how many people are shooting, how many guns they have. You don’t know if they want to hurt you or scare you, or if you’re just collateral damage.

Marina grabs onto your clothes, clutching at your sleeves with trembling hands. She’s trying to speak, but she can’t seem to get the words out. There’s a crimson smudge of blood on your shirt, but you don’t mind.

“It’s okay” you say, even though bullets are flying all around you and you’re crouching under a desk. You look around you desperately and see a door. It’s closed, and if it’s locked you’ll be in real trouble. But if it’s open then you’ll be able to get to safety.

Your heart is beating so hard you can almost feel the blood in your veins.

“Marina” you call again, formulating a plan in your head. You grab her face, covering her ears, her eyes look wild. “Is that door open?!” You turn her face to the door and point with your free hand.

She takes a few seconds to understand, but then nods.

“I- I- It’s a supply clos- set” she sobs. _Dammit_. You won’t be able to go anywhere, but at least you’ll be hidden away from the chaos happening in this room. Marina’s eyes are watery and fearful, and you try as hard as you can not to succumb to panic as well. Only a few seconds, you only have to be strong for a few more seconds.

“We have to get there.” You say, and your breath gets stuck in your lungs and your stomach does a summersault.

“No” Marina says, closer to a whine than an actual word.

You shut your eyes tight and brace yourself.  _One, two, three._  You peek from behind the desk and then immediately fall back down, gasping at what you saw. There are definitely more than three men now, firing their guns randomly into the room. But you also manage to see Tony Stark just as he rushes in. He’s not wearing his Iron Man suit, and you hope the rest of the team comes to back him up soon.

“We need to go now, Marina” you’re shouting now, desperate to get away from the fight you know is about to break out.

She whimpers but nods, closing her eyes tightly and muttering to herself. Maybe it’s a prayer, maybe it’s a string of curses.

“C'mon” you say, grabbing her by the arm “on three.”

She uses her hands to straighten herself, and doesn’t look at the red handprint she leaves on the tiles. Instead of waiting for your mark, she pulls you up and starts running to the closed door.

Nothing that’s happening makes sense to your overwhelmed brain. There’s a blur of color as you run. And a loud explosion makes your ears ring, but otherwise you can’t paint a clear picture of what’s happening. You don’t want to stay and watch, you don’t want to understand. You just want to get to safety.

Marina gets there first, slamming into the door and pushing down the handle with her whole body. She tumbles into the supply closet, and then immediately turns her panicked gaze on you.

But you don’t catch up to her, because suddenly your right leg bends forward and stops working without your permission. You look back to see what’s happened, and only just see the tail end of the spray of blood shooting from the back of your thigh before you fall.

You hit the floor with a grunt. And Marina screams like she’s the one that’s been shot.

 _You’ve been shot_ , you realize blearily. And even though it doesn’t hurt you can’t move.

“Ohmygod!” Marina cries “Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod”

She peeks out of the closet, looking both ways like she’s about to cross the street and then launches forward to grab you under the arms and drag you into the small room with her.

You feel weird, being dragged backwards over the white linoleum tile and seeing the trail of blood you leave behind. You gasp as you’re jostled and realize that not only your leg is injured. Your back is too.

The wound starts burning. It’s a focused, uncomfortable heat that starts out feeling like muscle pain and then steadily grows until it feels like someone has left a red-hot coal inside your torso, just below your ribs. You can feel the air in the room turn colder, and you feel some of it enter the wound on your leg. It’s strange, feeling the  _inside_ of your leg.

The shock is wearing off, maybe. You don’t really know how this works. What you  _do_  know is that you’ve broken into a cold sweat and it feels like you’re made of pain.

The room swirls and darkens, then brightens.  _Are your eyes open or closed?_ You grit your teeth as long as you can, but eventually you let out a sound between a screech and a groan.  Waves of white hot pain making your whole body spasm. Marina leans you on a wall and starts fluttering around you, reaching out to you but not touching you again. She’s sobbing harder now, and a steady stream of  _‘no, no, no, no’_  falls from her lips.

Maybe it was stupid to leave the desk, but when you loll your head sideways to look at where you’d been before you see it get hit by the beam of a blaster and explode in a shower of wooden shards.  _Did exploding hurt less than getting shot?_

Marina cries the whole time. And either you’re crying too or her tears are dripping onto your cheeks.

“I’m so sorry” she moans. And all you can do is gasp in pained dismissal and clasp her bloody hand in yours. You hope that conveys 'it’s okay’ because you can’t say it out loud in fear you’ll  just scream again.

You distantly notice she’s not wearing her glasses anymore, and you wonder where she dropped them. You try looking around the room, but if they’re in here you can’t see them.

“Muh” you mumble, trying to speak. Marina shushes you immediately. You don’t mind, making noise hurts too much anyway.

You’re trying not to move as best you can, but every breath jostles your wounds and sends a spear of pain shooting through your body. You whimper.

“I know” Marina says miserably, leaning on an empty bucket.

She’s looking at the fight, too afraid to call for help in case someone  _unpleasant_ notices you. Your only option is to wait the whole thing out.

You’re shaking lightly, cold all over from fear and blood loss. Marina keeps telling you not to sleep, even though you’re tired. It’s like she’s afraid you’ll go for a blink and then not open your eyes again. You’re not an idiot, you know you shouldn’t fall asleep. But you just want to rest, just close your eyes, only a moment. She keeps peeking out the door and then sitting back with a squeak, face pale.

It’s maybe a minute or an hour before you hear things calming down. And then only the sounds of crying and fluttering paper can be heard.

Marina glances nervously at you one last time before peeking out the door again and shouting “HELP!” as loud as she can with her voice shaking like it is. It startles you, and you try not to pass out as you jolt and your body explodes with pain once more. You succeed in not passing out, but you can’t help the pained yell that escapes you.

The door to the supply opens and Marina falls on her butt with an _oof_.

 _It’s an angel._  Is the first thing that comes to your mind. But after a moment of staring up at the backlit figure standing in the doorway, you realize it’s not an angel, only Captain America. Still, pretty close.

He takes one look at the two of you, sitting scared and bloody in a supply closet, and calls for someone behind him. You can’t understand what he says, maybe it’s the relief of being found or maybe it’s the blood loss, but everything sounds whoozy and garbled all of a sudden.

A few faces peek through the doorway, curious coworkers maybe. And you hear a few gasps before a medical team shoos them away.  _Yeah, yeah, I’m covered in blood. Take a good look and move on fellas._

They lift you onto a stretcher, and you only manage to gasp instead of wailing like you want to. You’re more tired than you’d realized.

Out of the corner of your eye, you see a man sprint to catch up with the captain. And only when he’s a few feet from you do you realize who it is.

“Oh fuck!” Bucky exclaims, sounding like he’s been punched in the gut “oh fuck! No!”

His best friend holds him back, confused, one hand over Bucky’s chest. But Bucky immediately pushes him away and stumbles to catch up to you.

“No, Y/N” he moans, and he sounds so broken you try to extend your hand to him for comfort. You only manage to flop it out from the edge of the stretcher, and one of the medics carrying you promptly drops your arm next to you again.

It doesn’t matter, because Bucky speeds up so he can walk by your side and take your hand in his. He squeezes it, and you try to squeeze back but find that you can’t.

“I’m so sorry doll” it sounds like a sob, but you can see he’s not crying. “Oh fuck Y/N,  _please_ , I’m so sorry.”

Steve catches up to you again, and manages to pull Bucky away just as he starts to breathe in short, shallow bursts. “No! Stevie” he pleads. “No, I need to-”

Steve turns him so he’s looking at him instead of you, and starts speaking to him in a low, soothing voice. He sounds calm and reassuring, even when you can’t understand him, but the way his eyebrows draw together in concern betrays him.

“We’re almost there sweetie” someone says, right on your blind spot, and you can’t be bothered to move so you can look at their face.

You’re shuffled into the elevator and you shut your eyes to protect them from the harsh lights shining on the ceiling.  _You’re almost there_ , you think, _so you suppose you can rest._


	26. Chapter 26

Despite this fact, Bucky finds himself smiling (a rare occurrence, even when it’s not ass-crack o'clock) he’s been texting you all weekend, mostly random things that were too trivial to talk to the team about.

He was pleasantly surprised when he discovered you two had the same chemistry when texting that you did talking out loud. He got this tight, fluttery happiness every time his phone pinged. And he blanks and completely loses his train of thought at least twice a day when he remembers he has a soulmate. And it’s _you_.

The memory of your kiss is still fresh in his mind, he can’t quite believe it. Your lips had left a seared print upon his memory, like a brand. And sometimes he’ll press his fingertips to his mouth, just to remember the sweet pressure.

It’s embarrassing.

Steve keeps elbowing him and Natasha grins like the grinch every time Bucky looks at his phone. Sam wants to meet you, complaining that by now he’s the only one that hasn’t met ‘his beau’. Bucky will never admit it -they’d never let him hear the end of it- but he’s glad they approve of you. The team seems glad that he gets to have a soulmate, and everyone that has met you has loved you. It’s sad, maybe. But when he looks at his friends -his family, really- he can see how tired and broken and weary they are. Clint doesn’t have a soul mark. Steve met his too many years ago. Natasha… doesn’t talk about her soulmate at all. They’re all glad he gets to have this, and he’s glad he gets to have them.

Anyway.

The meeting.

Bucky scoffs, catching himself yet again with his fingertips pressed to his lips.

Steve’s voice is strong, dripping with authority, even as he raises his hand to ask a question, like a dork. “Shouldn’t we be warning the people at the tower? I mean, if there is a threat I don’t think we should be hiding it from them.”

“This isn’t the purpose of this meeting captain.” Director Fury looks at Steve with the force of a two-eyed glare, and Bucky is glad he doesn’t  _actually_ have two eyes to glare at him with “Agent Hill has it under control, and I would prefer not to cause unnecessary panic. We’re talking about kids spray painting on walls because they think they’re funny, not because they’re Hydra.”

“But I heard you talking to Hill the other day” there’s that glare again, Steve ignores it “and you said it was bigger than you thought.”

“That’s what she said” Sam whispers in Bucky’s ear. Clint hears him and snort-laughs.

“That may be so, Captain Rogers. But still, this is below your-”

“Wh- _Below-_ ” Steve stutters, appalled “No offense sir, but if protecting the people that live and work with us is below the Avengers, then what kind of-”

“Alright” Natasha cuts in, “this is ridiculous. Sir, I’m with Steve on this.” She doesn’t even wilt at the look he gives her, Bucky’s impressed “I don’t doubt that Maria can do her job right, but I think we should at least be taking the threat seriously enough to warn the people that work at the tower.”

“Fine” Fury concedes at last, running a hand over his head in exasperation “but can we  _please_  talk about Bolivia now? I need a team of four ready to leave in a week.”

-

It’s a good day, in Bucky’s opinion. He’s not needed on the Bolivia mission, so he doesn’t have to go through the grueling prep process. The whole vandal thing is mostly solved, everyone is going home early already, so they’ll just have to make a formal announcement tomorrow. Well, the tower will make an announcement, the Avengers aren’t really getting involved.

So, he spends half an hour in the gym, takes a nice long shower -he uses the fancy shampoo and everything- and then dresses in his comfiest henley and jeans. He’s just putting on a movie when a knock sounds on his door.

He combs a hand through his hair, yawns, and leisurely strolls to answer.

“Hey man” he greets casually when he sees Clint standing on his doorway. “What’s going o-”

He cuts himself off when he sees the look on his friend’s face. Because he’s been on missions with him before, and Bucky knows the kind of shit they’ve seen, but he’s never seen Clint look this scared. There’s a horrified expression stuck on his face, and he’s so pale he looks like he’s wearing a mask.

“I don’t know how they did it” he pants. And Bucky doesn’t know what his friend is talking about, but he hurries to put on some shoes anyway. “They-” Clint is half inside his room already “they just started shooting, they just stepped into the second floor and started shooting.”

And Bucky doesn’t think he’s ever moved so fast. He doesn’t ask what the hell is going on because he knows, and a heavy stone of dread sinks into his stomach. A blink and he’s got Clint by the arm, another and they’re running through the hallway towards the elevator. Bucky doesn’t even close the door behind him.

Cold panic sinks it’s claws into his chest, but he still forces himself to wait for the elevator to arrive instead of launching himself down the stairs like he wants to.

The second floor, you’re on the second floor and this is just like that night when they killed the couple on the street and for one terrible moment he’d thought you were dead.

Would he even know? Does this connection he has with you end with the cosmic ink that was used to write his terrible words on your skin? Or would he know, would the universe tell him you were hurt. He hopes it would, and the thought that it may not makes him lurch with anxiety.

He just got you, and he can’t afford to lose you. He looks down at his own arm, and the greeting written on it now sounds in his head with your voice.

Clint graciously pretends not to hear the shaking breath he lets out.

Each second stretches out impossibly long, and the numbers counting down on the side of the elevator mock him.

20

12

8

4

And then he remembers, because he takes half a step before his brain steps on the breaks. You work on the fourth floor.

You’ve been working on the fourth floor for a while now, not the second. He sags with relief and tells himself again, just to calm his hammering heartbeat.  _Not the second._

He doesn’t know why he thought you were on the second floor, he knew you used to work there, but he’d met you after that. He’d been so sure you were in danger before, but it was probably a brain glitch. People are still being shot though, and he feels guilty about feeling relieved after realizing you were safe.

He knew you were technically in danger, the whole tower was. But now that your life wasn’t being threatened directly he felt better.

His blood still feels heavy with anticipation, he knows there will be a fight. The metal of his arms shifts and clicks right before the elevator doors open, and they’re greeted with chaos.

The whirr and whine of assembling metal draws his attention first, and he turns just in time to watch Tony’s face disappear behind red and gold.

“Get them out of here!” The mask does nothing to filter the panic from his voice.

Bucky gets to work instantly, pulling Clint along.

A man in a balaclava is laughing while he fires shots at a terrified man, lying on the ground and trembling in his three piece suit. He makes sure to never hit his target, the bullets hitting the floor around the man with a bang and a crack.

Bucky isn’t that cruel, his fist finds his target fast and true, and only the crunch of bone can be heard before Balaclava falls limply to the ground. Clint doesn’t even hesitate before stealing the unconscious man’s gun and leading the guy in the three-piece to the nearest hallway, where a group of workers are huddled around the corner. They yelp anxiously when Clint comes into view, and then whisper nervously at their coworker, who still looks a little green from fright.

Bucky spots a door a few feet away, and he jiggles the handle before he realizes it’s locked, he’s sure it’s the one that leads to the stairs. It opens with a keycard and Bucky asks the group if they have one.

“They disabled them when they came in” the woman who speaks doesn’t look scared, but rather angry. Her dark cheeks are wet from tears, and her grip on one of her coworker’s jacket is too tight to look casual, but her brown eyes burn with fire. Bucky immediately decides that he likes her.

Clint gives him a look, and Bucky knows what he’s thinking, the tower is protected with Stark technology. And if these people got in so easily that means that either they have a genius on their side or there’s a spy in the tower.

There’s no time to answer that question at the moment though. He uses his metal hand to break the electronic lock clean off, and the woman from earlier leads her coworkers through the door before going through herself. Steve has just arrived to the fight, and when Bucky turns he sees Natasha take down a man almost twice her size.

People keep coming in from every direction, friends and enemies alike. Bucky knows they have to block the entrances, stop anyone else from coming in before they’re outnumbered. Clint hadn’t brought his bow and arrow to the fight, but he doesn’t miss a single shot while using the gun.

“Go” he says firmly, firing a shot that hits a man on the arm and makes him drop the gun he was about to fire. “You gotta cut them off” Clint can clearly handle himself, so Bucky listens and runs towards the stream of armed men.

This is clearly more about causing panic than a strategic attack, so Bucky knows his goal is to take down as many men as possible. Unless this is a distraction. It isn’t very likely, but he hopes the team wasn’t stupid enough to come down all at once and leave the labs unattended.

He also hopes Banner was smart enough to get the hell out of here before the situation got any worse.

He rushes to the entrance hallway, dodging people as they run for cover and fighting any bad guys looking for an opening. Suddenly, a group of men armed to the teeth turn the corner, and while he’s trying to stop the sudden onslaught of bullets with his metal arm a blond man grins, pulls the safety off a grenade with his teeth, and throws it as far as he can.

Bucky yells, but it does nothing to stop it’s trajectory. The grenade flies over his shoulder and hits a wall. A second passes, and everything stills. Then the grenade explodes.

Debris goes flying everywhere, and a piece of drywall flies by his face and nicks him on the cheek. His ears are ringing and Bucky shakes his head harshly to get rid of the sound.

He wishes he had his comms so he could check on the rest of the team, but he doesn’t. So he settles for trying to rub the dust from his eyes and stopping these people from getting any further.

He can’t stop everyone, and some of the men run past him. He still manages to knock out a good amount though, and he takes special care of breaking grenade-guy’s cheekbone. His harsh breathing forces dust into his lungs, and he coughs as he runs to a window. He can see police cars outside, and they’re escorting the tower’s employees to safety and securing the entrances so no one can get in. He catches sight of the group he and Clint had helped before, and he lets out a small breath before going back in. He can still hear shouting and guns, but now he knows this won’t take long.

The bad guys’ advantage is gone, and the surprise factor won’t help them in what’s to come next. They’re locked in with The Avengers after attacking their home and their people, and no one is coming to help them.

-

Bucky is angry, but the Soldier, ever present in the back of his mind, is restless with glee as he fights his way back into the main office. His clothes are covered in grime and blood by the time he gets there, panting and wide eyed, to where the rest of his team awaits.

The room stands still in the silent aftermath of chaos. The air is thick with the dust and smoke that still floats around, the acrid smell of gunpowder makes his nose itch. The quiet, terrified sobbing and fluttering of paper are like white noise that echoes in the once bright and busy room.

Bucky passes the charred remains of a desk, with what looks like candy wrappers littered around it. It sinks into his mind that these were civilians,  _their_  civilians, this was never meant to be a war zone.

Something crunches beneath his foot, and Bucky lifts a dirt-smudged sneaker to reveal the now crushed glasses. He winces.

He’s about to pick them up when what can only be described as a wail cuts through the somber silence like a whip.

“HELP!” The woman’s voice cracks with fear and Bucky sprints in the general direction of the call. He thinks maybe someone may be trapped below some fallen heavy object, but the truth is much worse.

Steve is standing before a door when he gets there, surrounded by a group of curious onlookers. “Get me medical!” He calls out over his shoulder, and Natasha runs from the room. She’s limping, but she still weaves quickly and expertly through the crowd.

A second later he steps aside for the medical team, they’re carrying along a stretcher, and their hands have smudges of dirt on them.

He continues to stand aside, not wanting to get in anyone’s way. But then Clint, scratched and beaten bloody, gets closer to the scene. He looks at the body on the stretcher and his eyes glance up immediately to find Bucky. He looks away quickly, but Bucky notices anyway. He sprints to catch up to Steve and the now moving stretcher.

His body reacts before his mind, and he’s doubling over with a breathless gasp before he truly registers who it is that’s lying there. He feels like screaming, but he can’t get enough breath into his lungs to do so. What happened? You were safe.  _You were safe._

His voice tears from his throat without permission. And a heavy hand lands on his shoulder with the intention of grounding him. He’s shaking, and Steve looks at him intently, confused as to why he’s suddenly breaking apart at the seams. He places his other hand on Bucky’s chest, trying to keep all the pieces from coming apart. Steve’s hand is scorching hot against his chest, and it feels like it burns him all the way to his lungs. He can’t breathe, and he’s _cold_.

And suddenly, with a horrible sinking certainty, Bucky knows exactly what’s happening. He doesn’t know how they did it, doesn’t know  _why_  HYDRA would want to do this.

He can’t freeze again. They can’t do this to him again. His body hurts, and he’s trying to call out to Steve even as he stumbles away from his burning hands.

He has to get to you before it happens, before his joints freeze oven and stop him from moving again. Already he feels stiff and numb as he stumbles over to you.

Your face is pale and there is so much blood on your clothes he doesn’t know where the wounds are. He doesn’t want to see you like this, doesn’t want the last image he has of you until who knows how long to be you bleeding out on a stretcher, surrounded by dust and smoke.

But Bucky can’t leave you alone, and he will push through panic and pain and frost to get to your side. Your hand in his is limp and frail. “Oh fuck Y/N,  _please,_ I’m so sorry.” He can only beg as they carry you away. He doesn’t want to go back under, he doesn’t want to watch you leave him, he doesn’t want you to be hurt.  _Please._

No one listens.

-

Steve manages to pull him away from the scene, shaking and crying and trying to get to you even on unstable legs.

He manages to convince him that he’s not going back into cyro again, and that the cold he feels in his bones is just a natural response to panic.

The feeling doesn’t fade. Not when the last time he saw you you were barely grasping at the fragile thread of consciousness.

Bucky rubs a hand over his face, and he catches Steve make an aborted motion to stop him. But it’s too late. The copper-rust scent of blood explodes so suddenly against his senses that Bucky lurches, gagging.

That’s your blood. His hand is covered in it and his face is covered in it too and he had felt your hands were sticky and oh god _it’s your blood._

“Hey” Steve says, grasping him firmly once more as he starts to shake apart again.

“Okay. Okay buddy, okay” Steve’s guiding him to the elevator gently, even though he has no clue what’s going on. “We’ll get you somewhere quiet alright?”

Bless him, he looks terrified as well. The attack has left him feeling tired and guilty and angry, and yet his hand is gentle and reassuring on Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky leans his head on his friend’s arm, both in thanks and for support.

“Please” he slurs “I havta- I have to get to her” Bucky swallows and his mouth tastes like bile “I just got my soulmate Stevie, please. I have to get to her I can’t…” _I can’t lose her,_  he means to say. But the words stick to his throat.

Steve pauses, eyes widening as he registers what his friend just said. Bucky distantly remembers that Steve hasn’t met you before, and laments the fact that it had to be like this. “ _She’s your…_ ” Steve whispers, his tone heavy with understanding. Bucky can tell he’s shocked, but he recovers quickly.

“She’ll be alright Buck, okay? But you gotta let the med team do their job, you’re more help to her right now just waiting it out than…” he windmills his free hand while he finds the words “barging in through the doors like a madman.”

Bucky  _feels_  like a madman though. Wild and fragile and scared at the same time, he feels right on the edge of  _something,_  and he doesn’t want  to know what that is.

“I’ll get you a change of clothes while you’re in the shower, 'k? We can go see how she’s doin’ after that.” Steve pushes him gently in the direction of the bathroom and doesn’t close the door all the way when he’s inside. Bucky knows Steve wants to be able to know if he falls, or if he breaks down, he also knows the last thing Bucky wants right now is to feel trapped. He appreciates the gesture, but it still makes him feel like a child.

The water looks more like mud as it runs along his body, the many small cuts he acquired during the fight are stinging, but he barely notices. He doesn’t feel clean, and he’s already scrubbed and scrubbed for nearly ten minutes. He’s panting, on the verge of crying when the blood won’t rub off his skin.

It’s your blood, and no matter how hard he scrubs _it won’t come off_. His skin is red and raw already, but his mind won’t let him stop.

“I’m getting you some sweatpants, and maybe I should pack a change of clothes, huh? For the hospital?” Steve breaks the silence, speaking louder than necessary in hopes he can drown out Bucky’s mind. No doubt he can hear his heaving breath. “I’ll pack the gray ones, and the blue t-shirt, the one with the stripes. Maybe we can convince Nat to let us borrow one of her blankets.” He’s talking aimlessly, narrating everything he’s doing to keep Bucky distracted.

It works. Bucky gulps, takes a few deep breaths, and gets out of the shower. Pointedly not looking at his hands or at his reflection in the mirror.

“Hey bud” Steve says when he sees Bucky come out of the shower, his eyes are soft as they skim over his red skin, but he doesn’t say anything about it “Let’s go see her, alright?”

-

A terrible weight is sitting on your chest, and you fight your own body on the way up from the depth of the darkness that engulfs you. It feels like waking up, but worse.

There’s light hurting your eyes, and you’re not sure if you’re laying down or if you’re somehow hanging from the ceiling. This is not your apartment- the light is not this bright there- and it feels like the scent of smoke is clinging to you like a memory.

“W'ram I?” Your voice won’t work, your head hurts, your heart is starting to pound with anxiety.

“You’re in a hospital” the voice is calm, matter-of-fact.

“Oh no” you mumble. And then pass out again.

-

The second time you wake up it’s to the sound of crying.

Rapid, sobbing breath interrupts frantic speech. It all sounds like gibberish to you, but it’s evident the crying girl is talking to someone, since she’s occasionally interrupted by the soothing rumble of a male voice.

It takes you a great effort to open your eyes, which felt like they’d been taped shut. But finally light and color burst into your eyesight, blurry but still harsh. You grunt at the stinging in your eyes and the voices stop.

“I think we should take this outside dear, let sleeping beauty wake up properly.” Tony Stark gives you a small, tight lipped smile as he ushers a short, chubby girl out the door. She’s still crying.

“I swear I put it in my bag this morning, I just don’t know _when_ they could’ve-” she’s gesturing wildly, ignoring Tony’s attempts at pushing her out.

“It’s alright, they were just waiting for the right moment” the door clicking shut cuts them off, but you can still hear them murmuring on the other side of the door.

With a start you realize that you know that girl. She’s the intern that had arrived in a flurry of papers and coffee and platinum blonde hair. She’d said something about forgetting her key card just before…

Just before…

You’re afraid to look under the sheet of what you now realize is a hospital bed. But you know what you’ll find if you do. Because you remember the pain, and the blood, and the fear.

The heart-rate monitor’s rhythmic beeping becomes quicker as your heart rate skyrockets. Is everyone alright? How long have you been here? Where’s Marina?

Where’s Bucky?

He was the last face you’d seen before losing consciousness, and the pain you remembered in his eyes worried you, you didn’t even know if he was alright.

You look around the room, as if hoping that somehow he’d been there the whole time and you just hadn’t noticed him. But he wasn’t there.

Suddenly, as if your thoughts had summoned him, the door clicks back open and a mess of dark brown locks peeks through. Followed closely by a pair of eyes bruised by lack of sleep, a scruffy beard, and the rest of Bucky’s person.

It takes him a moment to realize you’re awake. He blinks tiredly at your bedridden form, scans your face, and then realizes your eyes are open. He blinks once again- this time in surprise- before practically teleporting to your side.

“Oh, thank god” his arms are fluttering rapidly all over your frame, not really touching you but obviously wanting to “thank fucking god, Jesus Christ.”

His right hand finally lands on your arm, then drags down the length of it until he’s holding your hand. His grip is tight, but not painfully so. His other hand hovers next to your cheek for a moment, unsure, until you lean your head so that your face rests in the cup of his metal hand. His breath whooshes out of him in a stuttered exhale.

“You were covered in blood”

“I know.”

“They wouldn’t say anything to me and I got so worried.”

“I’m okay Bucky, I’m okay now” you don’t know if the woozy feeling that overcomes you is from the pain meds or the constant motion of his thumb rubbing gently back and forth over your cheekbone. The metal whirrs and clicks, but the motion doesn’t seem deliberate.

“You were so pale. I-I thought you wouldn’t wake-” the door opens suddenly, but Bucky’s reaction is instant. His hands leave your body immediately and he turns away from you and the door, a curtain of hair shielding his face. He clears his throat once, twice, and then sits back down on the chair next to the bed like nothing had happened.

He’s close again, but this time he doesn’t reach out to touch you.

Tony pauses in the middle of his sigh, looking back and forth between you and Bucky like he can read the tension in the room.

“Well then” he starts, in a tone like he’s just finished settling a discussion, even if he’s just come in “I think you and I need to have a little chat, Y/N.”

“Are you firing me?” You say, like an impulsive dumbass. It might be the drugs.

“No” he blinks “but I wouldn’t be surprised if you wanted to quit.”

“Oh” You say. Bucky’s perfectly silent beside you, looking like he hasn’t heard a single word of the conversation “um, I-I don’t think I will. I mean, this isn’t really the job I want forever, but…”

“If you want to leave there’ll be no hard feelings. In fact, I could help you kickstart whatever it is you want to do.”

“Oh no, Mr. Stark-”

“I wanted to apologize for the…” he waves his hand at your bandaged figure “and really a loan is the least I can do.”

“But-” _wait what?_  He wanted you to quit your job? And what was that about a loan? Was he doing this with every single victim of the attack? This was too fast,  _way_  too fast. And you were currently on too many drugs to deal with it. “I won’t be able to pay you back” you state lamely, unable to think of anything else to say.

“Stark, can you at least wait until she’s standing up before you start trying to make her take life-changing financial decisions?” Bucky finally decides to speak. He looks a little annoyed, but also somewhat amused.

Tony straightens his suit jacket, a little embarrassed. “Right” he clears his throat. “That settles it then.”

“…settles what?” But you’re too slow, Tony Stark has already left the room.

Bucky breathes out a chuckle. “There’s probably gonna be a ton of money in your bank account in about twenty minutes.”

“Wh-!” You choke “No! I really can’t pay him back. And, knowing me, I’ll probably end up ruining the whole thing and I’ll be broke in like… two months! I-I’d rather earn the money, I think.” You’re waiting for Bucky to interrupt, but he just looks at you softly, his hand is back on your arm. “Wh- quit staring at me like that! I’m having a crisis here.”

And then he laughs.

 _That_  gives you pause. You realize that you’ve never seen him do that. In your short time of knowing him, Bucky Barnes has never laughed in your presence, not like this. There’s the small, private smile that you adore so much. And the short, sarcastic huff of breath, and the deep, rumbling chuckle he makes when he’s amused at your expense.

But he’s never laughed like this, eyes alight with relief and head thrown back in a shameless display of happiness.

“Darling” he starts, laughter dripping from his voice like honey “I don’t think Stark expects you to pay him back. If it really makes you uncomfortable I can talk to him, but it’ll probably make him feel better if you just take the money.”

Your brain is still recovering from the way he just called you darling, and it takes you a moment to gather yourself back into a human person and not a gooey puddle.

“Uh” you say coherently.

The corner of his mouth quirks up. Little shit.

“You don’t have to decide today. You’re still in the hospital.” At the reminder of your state his expression hardens. “Does it hurt?”

You shift in bed to test your condition and immediately grimace. “Yeah, but only when I breathe.” You try to joke, but your grin drops when Bucky’s face turns downright murderous. “What day is it?” You try to shift the conversation away from your hurting body. You’d been dreading the answer, but you probably haven’t been out for more than a few hours.

His mouth twists to the side “it’s Wednesday” he leans back on the chair, blowing out a huff of air “the doctors said you were lucky. Nothing major, though you’re probably going to have to take it easy for a few months.”

“Oh” you say, that meant you were out for a whole day and a half, and probably a good chunk of today too. That wasn’t so bad, although you regret losing Monday. You have a feeling like you’re forgetting something, although you can’t pinpoint what.

“Shit!” You exclaim suddenly, trying to sit up.  _Oh no, Monday._

“ _Wh-HEY!!_ What the hell?! I literally  _just_  told you to take it easy, are you insane?!” Bucky jumps from his chair, angrily trying to get you to lie back down while you whine about the pain that flares all over your body “yeah,  _ow._  What the hell was that about?”

“I missed our date” you whine.

Bucky stares at you in silence until you feel dumb. Mouth parted and eyes squinted in disbelief.

“Okay, first of all, I  _told_ you it wasn’t a date” you grin up at him and he turns away, but you can see him breaking “Jesus, that was stupid” he’s fighting a smile, you can tell.

Finally, he huffs, leaning down to press a firm kiss to your forehead. “I’ll get us pretzels later, little dare-devil. But only if you promise never to get shot again.”

“Fine. It wasn’t any fun anyway.”

He snorts “the team’s waiting outside, by the way. They all came to visit you while you were out, but they want to meet you officially.”

You’re surprised “Why?”

“'Cause you’re my soulmate. But mostly because they’re all nosy bastards.” His smile is fond as he says it “they’ll come in when you’re ready.”

You don’t think you’ll ever be ready to meet the Avengers, but it’s easy to just think of them as Bucky’s family, especially when he’s smiling like that. All soft and mildly embarrassed.

“Oh, um, sure” you look down at yourself. Crap, you’re probably a mess. You look around the room, searching for a mirror or any reflective surface. Surprisingly, your phone is sitting next to you on the stand, someone had even  been kind enough to plug it in. “Can you pass me my phone?”

Bucky turns, stretching back to unplug it and then handing it to you.

As soon as you go to unlock it you notice you have like a gazillion texts, and almost as many missed calls. Some are from your family, some from Michael, and Marina, most are from Anna. All of them asking you how you were doing and what was going on in increasing levels of worry.

You grimace, knowing you’re going to have to answer them sooner or later.

You shoot a quick text to Anna, telling you that you’re fine and that you’ll fill her in later, knowing she’ll tell Michael.

You text Marina as well, and tell her to stop apologizing. The texts start back up immediately, but you ignore them in favor of opening your phone camera.

You don’t look as bad as you expected, although your hair looks like a rat’s nest and there are deep bruises under your eyes. Someone has removed your makeup while you were unconscious, but you don’t look any worse than you feel. Which, okay, isn’t saying much. But you’ve just been shot, so they’ll just have to deal. You try to pat your hair down as best you can and then turn to Bucky, lopsided smile on you face.

He huffs an amused breath “Can I kiss you?”

The question catches you off guard “Why?” You blurt.  _Goddamnit! Stupid! Stupid!_

“Because you’re adorable.” He says it patiently “and because I was worried, and because I just realized that I can and I really, _really_  want to.”

_Be still, my beating heart._

“Sure.” You squeak. You’re about to pass out again, you’re sure of it.

His mouth quirks up again, half smirk and half loving smile. And then his left hand lands on your right cheek, cold metal against warm skin. And his lips touch yours.

You’re glad you’re laying down already. Because the soft, long drag of his lips against yours makes you want to swoon like a 19th century woman. He moves like he wants to tug his right hand from yours, but you just hold him tighter. Warm laughter huffs against your lips. He just tugs a little harder and moves his hand to rest on your other cheek. You hum, it feels like there’s light blossoming in your chest. Bucky nibbles on your bottom lip before pulling away and it feels like he’s taking your soul with him when he does.

“Oh boy” you say, dazed. You can’t quite manage to pull yourself back together “the moment’s almost perfect.”

“Almost?” He sounds mildly insulted “what’s missing?”

“Hmm” you hum, fighting the giddy smile that threatens to bubble up from your chest “pretzels.”

Bucky laughs that perfect laugh once more.

**Author's Note:**

> You can also find me on Tumblr @soopranatural


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